Another photo for the Bizzarometer

I just know you all have been waiting for another photo for the Bizzarometer. So here you go. You enjoyed the naked people with cats and unicorn boy so much after all. Let’s see- what to call this one? I’m just not sure.

Christmas card FAIL

See if you can come up with a better caption. Also, please don’t forget to give it a score, 0-100  and explain why you scored it that way.

When the blog redesign is finally finished, you’ll be able to access the Bizzarometer easily. And thanks to the folks at Awkward Family Photos for this gem.

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Oops, he did it again!

As most people who know me know, I leave in three days for the Big Apple. Since I haven’t been on a vacation since before Al Gore invented the Internet, this trip is a big deal to me. The last thing I want to do is get up there and look like someone who just walked off the set of Hee-Haw.

So Doug has decided that I need a whole new wardrobe for the trip. Actually I don’t know if he really decided that as much as I decided that and he knew better than to complain.

This is because he missed our anniversary yet again this July 16th. I was absolutely sure that he wouldn’t miss it again so I didn’t plan anything wonderful for myself that day and actually went ahead and got him a couple of things.

But that morning there was no Happy Anniversary! with a big kiss and flowers. So I said nothing and waited til he came back from work. He was sitting on the couch watching sports when I dropped his presents on his lap and said HAPPY ANNIVERSARY and stalked off.

“Oh  shit.” was all he said in a somber tone.

First I got pissed; then I got hurt, and didn’t talk to him for the rest of the night. Actually, I hadn’t expected a lot of “stuff ” because of the upcoming trip- but I did not expect to be totally forgotten. I told him he was being passive-aggressive. He denied it, explaining that he’s just been overwhelmed at work.

He apologized. I suggested he take his apology and put it in an inconvenient place where only an experienced proctologist might ever see it.

I think he was worried I’d go all Lorena Bobbitt on his ass; or more accurately on his most prized possession. This would be tragic, especially since it’s still in such good working order.

So since the 16th I been shopping- a lot. Macy’s, Coldwater Creek, lots of places. Now to be completely honest, I have been shopping in the sale racks, for the most part; and, I haven’t revenged shopped. Everything I’ve gotten, I’ve actually needed. I’ve needed at least 80% of the stuff anyway.

So I guess overall, him forgetting this year actually worked out pretty good for me. Besides, he knows he’s still on the hook. Happy anniversary to me…..

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Not that there’s anything wrong with that

I saw on CNN today that Linda Hogan (50 ), ex wife of Hulk Hogan, is now engaged,  engaged to Charlie Hill, a friend of her son. Charlie is 21. Now I don’t know this to be gospel, but I’m guessing that Charlie is a  mimbo.

That’s perfectly OK with me. I wish her only the best.

Would I want to do that? Not so much. Which is to say never.

Why? Why would any older woman really want to do that? That is be with someone so drastically younger.

Years ago, there was always an obvious reason for why an older woman would want a younger guy. Most older guys couldn’t either get it up or keep it up. Or if they were lucky enough to they were good for once a night- maybe. Guys in their 20′s and 30′s are like the Energizer Bunny. They can just keep on going and going and going…

But with the advent of Viagra, any man, regardless of age or infirmities, has the ability to turn his significant other into a piece of ground round with his tallywhacker by taking that one tiny blue pill. Now they too can just keep going and going and going…something that not all wives are completely thrilled about, so I’ve heard.

I mean what would you have to talk about? I guess you talk about a movie or meal that you shared; but what after that? When I talk to Nate (22) and Amanda (24)  about current events, most of the time our views are pretty similar. But on some topics our opinions are vastly different, different because I’ve been there and done that; something that they have yet to do. Life experiences can just really change the way you see things sometimes.

Also, I don’t know one woman in her fifties who doesn’t have menobrain moments. Our friends and family expect and usually accept them. (Of course sometimes that acceptance comes with the rolling of their eyes or the WTF? hands.) But would a 20 something really want to have to put up with menobrain moments all the time? OK, maybe at the very beginning, when it’s still laser beam eyes time, but what after the laser beam stops and reality sets in.

You can’t share memories of college, his parents may not even have been in college when you were. Then there’s the whole dynamic of his family to deal with.

And when you talk about your childhood, pre computers, pre I phones and pre IMAX you’ll sound like you dated Fred Flintstone and grew up eating brontoburgers.

I just don’t get it. Am I confused? Is there something I’m missing?

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My turn as Super Middle-aged Woman

Yesterday I did something I said I’d never do. I still can’t believe that I did it; but I did. I bought my first pair of Spanx. I railed against them last August. I did.

But now that I’m about to go on my first vacation in years, I thought I’d just “try on” a pair to see what all the hub-bub is about. After the salesgirl handed me a pair I looked at her like the RCA dog. Was she on crack? I wondered. This thing looked like it would fit a 10 yr.old, a skinny one that is.

“Just go try them on”, she said casually.

“Trying on” is not actually an accurate description of actually what went on in my dressing room. A more accurate description would be to say there was a steel cage death match between Evelyn, myself and the Spanx. I kid you not, the match lasted at least a full five minutes.

I’d been instructed to gather up the material in the each leg, then pull them on, one leg at a time. Easier said then done, I can assure you. In the movie The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, Burt Reynolds receives a thong as a gift. He goes to put it on and yells out “It’s like trying to put two bowling balls in a marble bag.” After my dressing room debacle yesterday, I can totally relate.

Back to the dressing room. I had one side of the Spanx, Evelyn the other. She yelled “PULL!” exasperatedly.  “What do you think I’m doing?!” I fired back. And on it went. I’m telling you this thing had a life of it’s own. I felt like the priest at the end of the Exorcist wreslting with the Devil.

When we finally got it completely up, I looked at myself. I was dripping with sweat, but, amazingly, jiggle free. (Keep in mind, I haven’t been jiggle free since the Clinton administration.) With more than half the skin on my torso now compressed and smoothed by the insanely strong latex I now had an amazing resemblance to a giant peach colored bowling pin.  Evelyn looked at me and said “Skin on the baloney”. I can always depend on her to make me feel better.

I forgot to mention, there is even a hole in the Spanx so you may pee while still still wearing it. I’m planning to dehydrate myself prior to ever wearing it, so that won’t be a problem. And as far as pooping goes- I can state without equivocation- that there will be no pooping while I am Spanxed. I realize that there is no way I could ever extricate myself from this thing without help. Also, I vowed that Doug would never see me go struggle with this. Childbirth, OK, putting on or getting off Spanx-no.

But as you have probably surmised, I bought the Spanx. However, it seems that the pair I tried on were industrial Spanx, not really meant for the public; having been developed for military use, they should have never been put in a store.) Instead I bought the Power Panties, which although also quite constrictive, are at least manageable by yourself if you have a lot of patience and a good sense of humor I was told.

So… I did get my Power Panties on last night all by myself last night- thank you very much, and immediately felt the need to find a cape and leap tall building with a single bound.

Didn’t you ever hear of Super Middle-aged Woman? Don’t you laugh at that. I’ll zap your ass with one of my super powers. I’ve got em. Do you?

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Vagina humor from 1912, who knew?

My good friend Connie, of Mother Connie Sez sent this to me this morning. I thought it was such a hoot, I decided to share it. This quote is from 1912. Who knew doctors were so edgy back then?

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