Bodacious Boomer

 As you know I’m in a quest to get in shape for the Half- human, half-Shar Pei beauty contest. I’ve got my Shar Pei part all buff and ready to go. My wrinkles of extra skin are in blue ribbon condition. However, my human half is still a work in progress so I went to the gym again yesterday with Evelyn. (Evelyn isn’t fond of cardio on the treadmill). So she and I decided we would to go to the pool to burn extra calories.

I hadn’t put on my swim suit in two years. (I bought it back when I was the smallest I’d been in twenty years). I realize now I should’ve sprayed my body with Pam, or have rubbed olive oil all over myself before attempting to get into that suit. I’m just glad Doug wasn’t home to see the spectacle- and it was one, believe me. (Just imagine trying to get a bowling ball into a marble bag). This was all bad Michele’s doing. Just when I was about to call Evelyn to help get me into the suit, I got it up. Thank God it had a loose, print, chiffonny (is that a word?) layer covering the skin tight spandex. It was NOT a good thing. Over that I tied a pareo and went off to the gym.

When we arrived we were the only ones in the pool. A fact that made me very happy. Evelyn grabbed a pair of huge-looking dumbbells and I had grabbed a pink noodle, assuming that would provide more resistance in the water while I walked/jogged/ran. I’d never done this before so I really didn’t know what to expect. Evelyn stayed in the shallows repeating what seemed to me to be a very simplistic routine. She said that I was moving more than I realized and urged me to do less than I thought I needed for my first time. Being one of the smartest people around, or so I must’ve thought yesterday, I did my own thing instead.

I tried jogging in the water. Unfortunately that didn’t work too well. My boobs came flying up and almost broke my nose. (I’d forgotten that two years ago my boobs were smaller too). Evelyn cautioned me that “the puppies with the pink noses” were coming for a visit. It took a minute for me to figure that one out. So, I abandoned jogging and instead went up and down the length of the pool sideways in big paces over and over, looking like a giant crab, leading always with my right leg. (Evelyn just kept doing her thing). I even swam a few laps. I hadn’t done that since God was a child. (A female Michael Phelps I am not). After swimming the laps I felt dizzy and nauseous, so I just sat for a few minutes til it passed. I finished with more  “crabbing” down to one end and back to the other. Finally, the workout was done. I felt like I’d done enough. My body felt good.

Evelyn had warned me that I’d feel the effects of the water exercise today. Not me, I thought. Working out on the machines never bothers me. By the time we got to the Vietnamese restaurant to get some pho, my right hip/leg was PO’d at me and let me know it. When I got out of the car and I had a severe limp, looking like Walter Brennan in the The Real McCoys. (The baby boomers will probably remember it). When I got to Evelyn’s I took two Alleve  thinking that would kill the pain. By the time I got home it was worse. I had Doug scrounge the house for some kind of pharmaceutical that would kill it. I’m not sure what he found. However, on the label he said it mentioned neck spasm. I downed it quick. I went to bed just knowing I’d be pain-free by this morning. I wasn’t.

The cup half empty approach to situation this would be- “you idiot you never listen to anybody”. The cup half full would be “at least you won’t get hurt if you get dropped on your head”. I’m limping along tonight with my half-full cup hoping I’ll be pain-free by morning. Today’s trivia answer- Georgia University 1974, 1564 students