Bodacious Boomer

This photo made me smile today. Kind of a tall order.

When I got up today I felt like I’d been through a battle. Why is it that a long “emotional” day tires you out more than a long “physical” one? By the time we ate dinner on the way home (Thank God for a 24 hr. diner), I put a quick note on the blog and did my nightly ablutions (sans flossing). It was after 2 am when I got into bed. Doug was already asleep. I snuggled close and told him I loved him anyway. He murmured something that was unintelligible and went back to snoring. I meant to set my phone for early this morning, but I forgot.

Evelyn called at 9:30 this morning and woke us up from a dead sleep. I still sounded tired according to her. We talked for awhile then I called the hospital for the morning update. The nurse at the LTAC (Long-term acute care) hospital said that mom had been moved to the big hospital for the cardiac cath after all. I’d been told at 11 last night that that wasn’t going to happen. Who’s on first? I wanted to be there before the procedure to be with her and no one had called me. As it turns out, she was moved, but the procedure has been postponed til tomorrow morning. Nate, Amanda and Brett were with her for 3 hours today. The cardiologist has put Mom on pressors, to keep her pressure up. She can’t get out of bed, she can’t eat, she’s having trouble breathing. She’s miserable.

Brad and his family are going out there tonight. Doug and I are going there in the morning again before the procedure. Rosie, who I’ve known for almost 30 years wants to be there. Nate, Brett and Amanda will be there too. Amanda just called. The three kiddos AKA young adults are on their way back now. I tried to be gentle with Amanda as  I explained what I anticipate will happen tomorrow. And I told her that Mom has had a DNR for 2 years. She asked “If Grandma has a heart attack on the table then, they won’t do anything then?” I said that was right. That was what she would want. We talked for a couple of minutes more, and when we ended the call she was crying. I felt like a really crappy mom.

You know I’ve been preparing for this for a long time. I thought I was ready. However, I guess none of us really are. Brad, who’s a paramedic, said the cardiologist must have “balls of steel” to put someone as fragile as Mom on the table. I wonder if the doctor is silently giving her a graceful, non-suffering way to depart this earthly plane. Not to say that he won’t do his very best. I didn’t mean that at all. But her biggest fear in life is winding up in a nursing home; and she wouldn’t ever consider living with one of her kids. I made that abundantly clear to him when we spoke at length last night. At this point and time, everything is in the hands of the surgeon, Mom and God. I guess between them they know what’s best for her and I’ll just have to trust  them. Today’s trivia answer- Macau.

I just got back from the hospital after being there for over 12 hours. When I left, mom actually looked better. That’s because when we got there today and I walked into her room I thought she had already died. She looked worse than I had ever seen her. Her face was pale and her eyes were sunken. It was terrifying. Even when I stood right next to the bed and she looked at me, she didn’t see me. I had to squeeze her hand and tell her I was there. Then she started to recognize me. She’d been someplace far away. Her blood pressure was only 75 over 55 something at that moment. Her hands felt cold.

I’d already cried before I left for the hospital. I was determined not to cry in front of her- and I didn’t. The urine in the catheter was the color of dark tea. That was upsetting too. Even though she was on 100% O2, she was still having trouble catching her breath. After I spoke to her cardiologist, I discovered why. According to her echocardiogram her heart is only functioning at 15% right now. It was over 50% four days ago. Apparently she had a big heart attack before she was transferred and no one caught it. She wasn’t in a schlocky place then. She was in a big, well- known hospital in Houston. Somehow, someone just missed it. So now, the cardiologist wants to do a cardic cath in the  morning.

However, the gastroenterologist is saying she’s too unstable to tolerate the procedure.He ordered an abdominal x-ray about 8pm. After seeing that he ordered an cat scan of her abdomen. When they were finally finished with that it was about 11pm. We won’t know any results til tomorrow. When they brought her back from CT she was on a new bed, one that was inflated. She looked more comfortable. They had her on some new meds. Her BP was up. It was still low, but it was up. She was more alert. Even if they are able to do the cath in the morning, I’ve been told she will never be the same; it’s almost a 100% certainty she’ll never be able to live alone again. Her biggest fear is having to go into a nursing home. (She does not want that no matter what).  So I have a lot of different feeling swirling around in my head at this moment.

I called Brett this morning and told him he’d better come home now. She’d asked where he was. Nate and Doug picked him up and got him to the ICU about 9pm. She called him a “Woolybooger” and smiled when he came to her bedside. I’m glad he made it home tonight. I’m exhausted.  I’m going to go to bed and give Doug a big kiss and tell him I love him.  Make sure you live the best day you can everyday, no matter what the day is. Be lavish with your hugs and “I love you’s”.  You just never know.