When I got up today I felt like I’d been through a battle. Why is it that a long “emotional” day tires you out more than a long “physical” one? By the time we ate dinner on the way home (Thank God for a 24 hr. diner), I put a quick note on the blog and did my nightly ablutions (sans flossing). It was after 2 am when I got into bed. Doug was already asleep. I snuggled close and told him I loved him anyway. He murmured something that was unintelligible and went back to snoring. I meant to set my phone for early this morning, but I forgot.
Evelyn called at 9:30 this morning and woke us up from a dead sleep. I still sounded tired according to her. We talked for awhile then I called the hospital for the morning update. The nurse at the LTAC (Long-term acute care) hospital said that mom had been moved to the big hospital for the cardiac cath after all. I’d been told at 11 last night that that wasn’t going to happen. Who’s on first? I wanted to be there before the procedure to be with her and no one had called me. As it turns out, she was moved, but the procedure has been postponed til tomorrow morning. Nate, Amanda and Brett were with her for 3 hours today. The cardiologist has put Mom on pressors, to keep her pressure up. She can’t get out of bed, she can’t eat, she’s having trouble breathing. She’s miserable.
Brad and his family are going out there tonight. Doug and I are going there in the morning again before the procedure. Rosie, who I’ve known for almost 30 years wants to be there. Nate, Brett and Amanda will be there too. Amanda just called. The three kiddos AKA young adults are on their way back now. I tried to be gentle with Amanda as I explained what I anticipate will happen tomorrow. And I told her that Mom has had a DNR for 2 years. She asked “If Grandma has a heart attack on the table then, they won’t do anything then?” I said that was right. That was what she would want. We talked for a couple of minutes more, and when we ended the call she was crying. I felt like a really crappy mom.
You know I’ve been preparing for this for a long time. I thought I was ready. However, I guess none of us really are. Brad, who’s a paramedic, said the cardiologist must have “balls of steel” to put someone as fragile as Mom on the table. I wonder if the doctor is silently giving her a graceful, non-suffering way to depart this earthly plane. Not to say that he won’t do his very best. I didn’t mean that at all. But her biggest fear in life is winding up in a nursing home; and she wouldn’t ever consider living with one of her kids. I made that abundantly clear to him when we spoke at length last night. At this point and time, everything is in the hands of the surgeon, Mom and God. I guess between them they know what’s best for her and I’ll just have to trust them. Today’s trivia answer- Macau.
