Bodacious Boomer

I saw something tested on TV yesterday morning. Kathie Lee Gifford demonstrated “Instant Arm Lift”. A large (I’m estimating 4″x6″), sheet of clear adhesive was applied to her tricep. She asked which of her upper arms looked thinner. (Honestly, I couldn’t tell much of difference). When she went to remove the large sheet of tape, she yelled out in pain. I thought she was carrying on for the camera. When Hoda reached over to remove the rest of it she said “DON’T! It’s agony!” Not heeding her admonitions, Hoda took hold and ripped the rest of the sticky patch from her arm.

Kathie Lee was jumping about and yelling. I think most people thought as I did- that she was just hamming it up for the viewers. Just a few seconds later though, the camera did a close-up on her inner arm. It was bright red and showed a broken blood vessel. (She’s going to have a really ugly bruise that I’d bet will last at least a week). Now, when I did a search on this today I read a comment from a woman who loves the product; She says she uses both the Upper Arm Lift and the Thigh Lift. I’m assuming that woman is not into casual sex, where she’d be undressing in front of someone she’s not 100% comfortable with. Could you imagine having to explain the huge patches of tape affixed to your body? What about removing them before the main event of the evening? Then what about the difference in how you’d looked before and then after removal of these wonder stickies?

I’d probably be the perfect candidate for the Instant Arm Lift and The Instant Thigh Lift. My upper arms would probably look at least 25% smaller and infinitely tighter if I used them. But to what end? Who’d I be fooling? And better yet why? As Popeye says “I am what I am.” I’m not going to wear something that causes me pain, just to fool myself into looking like something I’m not. That’s why I’m Instant Arm Lift and  Spanx-less. It’s fine if you want to go that way. Good for you. It just seems to me I’d be playing the old Bait and Switch scam- but with myself.

My daughter Amanda says I’m the most vain person in the world. She bases this on the fact that I am neurotic about the random hairs that grow at the speed of light from my chin; none are there at 9am, and then by 4pm there 3, each one half an inch long. (I keep telling her that her day will come). Evelyn even gave me the Anti- Captain Jack kit for Christmas. It was a 10x mirror and a pair of really good tweezers. Now that’s not to say I’m not vain, I think almost all women are to some degree. (Whether they’d admit it or not).

I’ve had my eye on a “Lifestyle Lift” for a few years now. It’s a procedure that would permanently rid myself of my resemblance to America’s favorite Thanksgiving entree. I’d really like to get that done, just for me. It’s an in-office procedure, not nearly as complicated as a full face lift. (Realistically however, I know my getting that procedure is about as likely as Publishers Clearinghouse showing up with a check at my front door). So, I’ll enter this new year and I’m sure the years to come looking turkey-like. But I can live with that. I like turkeys; and besides, if I get tired of looking like one all the time, I’ll just start wearing high collars or scarves like Katherine Hepburn. It might be a bit of a challenge to pull off the look in in Houston in the summertime, but I’ve always been a trendsetter.