Yesterday I did something I said I’d never do. I still can’t believe that I did it; but I did. I bought my first pair of Spanx. I railed against them last August. I did.
But now that I’m about to go on my first vacation in years, I thought I’d just “try on” a pair to see what all the hub-bub is about. After the salesgirl handed me a pair I looked at her like the RCA dog. Was she on crack? I wondered. This thing looked like it would fit a 10 yr.old, a skinny one that is. 
“Just go try them on”, she said casually.
“Trying on” is not actually an accurate description of actually what went on in my dressing room. A more accurate description would be to say there was a steel cage death match between Evelyn, myself and the Spanx. I kid you not, the match lasted at least a full five minutes.
I’d been instructed to gather up the material in the each leg, then pull them on, one leg at a time. Easier said then done, I can assure you. In the movie The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, Burt Reynolds receives a thong as a gift. He goes to put it on and yells out “It’s like trying to put two bowling balls in a marble bag.” After my dressing room debacle yesterday, I can totally relate.
Back to the dressing room. I had one side of the Spanx, Evelyn the other. She yelled “PULL!” exasperatedly. “What do you think I’m doing?!” I fired back. And on it went. I’m telling you this thing had a life of it’s own. I felt like the priest at the end of the Exorcist wreslting with the Devil.
When we finally got it completely up, I looked at myself. I was dripping with sweat, but, amazingly, jiggle free. (Keep in mind, I haven’t been jiggle free since the Clinton administration.) With more than half the skin on my torso now compressed and smoothed by the insanely strong latex I now had an amazing resemblance to a giant peach colored bowling pin. Evelyn looked at me and said “Skin on the baloney”. I can always depend on her to make me feel better.
I forgot to mention, there is even a hole in the Spanx so you may pee while still still wearing it. I’m planning to dehydrate myself prior to ever wearing it, so that won’t be a problem. And as far as pooping goes- I can state without equivocation- that there will be no pooping while I am Spanxed. I realize that there is no way I could ever extricate myself from this thing without help. Also, I vowed that Doug would never see me go struggle with this. Childbirth, OK, putting on or getting off Spanx-no.
But as you have probably surmised, I bought the Spanx. However, it seems that the pair I tried on were industrial Spanx, not really meant for the public; having been developed for military use, they should have never been put in a store.) Instead I bought the Power Panties, which although also quite constrictive, are at least manageable by yourself if you have a lot of patience and a good sense of humor I was told.
So… I did get my Power Panties on last night all by myself last night- thank you very much, and immediately felt the need to find a cape and leap tall building with a single bound.
Didn’t you ever hear of Super Middle-aged Woman? Don’t you laugh at that. I’ll zap your ass with one of my super powers. I’ve got em. Do you?
Never say never.
You are now a woman in tune with this decade, gf.
I’m so proud of you.
Hugs
Mother Connie
Mother Connie recently posted..Too Rich or Too Well
I should’ve known better. Or been totally self-confident and said “Screw it”. Oh well….
oh my hell. too funny. I’ve wondered about those things. do they come in super huge size for me. Maybe I need to get one for my reunion. yikes
Donna recently posted..Kamikaze Fly
Girl, if it’d fit me, it’ll fit you I’m sure. Email me, we’ll trade measurements! BTW- Thanks for the compliment.
But what I want to know… are they hot weather friendly? I don’t want to develop a nasty case of swamp ass wearing them.
Holly B recently posted..My Dirty Little Secret – Tinsel Town Tuesday
I don’t know either and am myself apprehensive about that. I’ll guess I’ll know more after my trip to NY. Remind me to tell you how I fared. On the plus side, no bounder could get them off quickly. It’s a process. They did come with the hole in them so you could answer nature’s call, so I guess you could just turn that around for ventilation- maybe. Or maybe that’s why I had so much trouble putting them on yesterday.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Michele, but it doesn’t “breathe” really well. But, you will look good! I am pretty sure that I used to own one of the industrial strength pieces of Spanx, notice I used the past tense. I do like the power panties.
Magnolia
Hi Miss Magnolia. Did you ever have to get the Jaws of Life to help you get out of them? Those things take tight to a whole different dimension! Power Panties- you’ve got to admit that sounds funny.
Or you could use the duct tape you mentioned to us, and just wrap that stuff over all the jiggly parts and then you could pee and poop at will. GAWD, what we do for fashion!!
Now that’s a good idea KK; and cheap too! And when I rip it off all that nasty fur on my backside will come off along with it. A BOGO! Doug will be so thrilled.
I had to laugh at this. I call them Big Pants, my husband reckons that no matter how much technology is involved what you’re looking at is a girdle. Girdle is a great word, if not a fantastic image. Don your cape and go get ‘em girl!
life in a pink fibro recently posted..Its never too early for a foot in the door
That is my plan. I can’t seem to find my cape though. Go figure. May I borrow yours?
OK, Michele, you did a good job of describing the Iron Maiden escapade, but you left out the hysterical laughing. You were such an inspiration that I got a brand X pair myself after I tried on a pair of knit pants I loved but made me look like Tweedle Dee, and I bought them. No, they weren’t as “iron” as yours, but they worked. As for the dehydrating yourself thing, don’t you dare do it. When you faint from heat stroke,the calling of the paramedics scene in NYC will really cut into your fun time. I wouldn’t worry about the pooping stuff, as I’m sure those babies will hold everything in, just fine, but you may find a huge circle of avoidance around you.
I hear those NYC firemen are all that and then some. Maybe it wouldn’t be a completely wasted day. You’re right about the poop though. Nothing could escape that thing. I wonder what all those women who overheard us must’ve been thinking!
[...] other day I recounted my epic struggle with a product made by the Devil himself- Spanx. It was a hard fought battle. I would’ve lost too had it not been for my best friend, Evelyn at [...]