Bodacious Boomer

Well I am in fucking New Jersey. I have to leave for a seminar in Manhattan in 4.5 hours. Actually I should just drive in really early and look for an all night dentist. Hopefully one that can give me with new teeth, for in the last 7 hours I’ve ground my molars into dust.

We spent last night in VA. We slept in, got up and had a pretty good day until we got here. Now before everyone thinks I’m just a complete bitch, please note I don’t hate everything in New Jersey. Doug is from New Jersey. I know there are some good things here. Sadly we’ve just had a hard time finding many today.

Doug grew up in Plainfield. Since we got to NJ about 4pm we decided that we had enough time that he could take us on a tour of his hometown. He had always told me that the town he grew up in was like where Beaver and Wally lived in Leave it to Beaver.

Plainfield is not like Mayfield. I don’t remember any ass-less jeans being sold on Main Street. How would I know they were ass-less you ask? Because the mannequin in the window wearing them was turned so her bare butt was facing the street. They were lovely. I do think I saw them once before though, in an HBO special called “Pimps Up, Ho’s Down.”You know I’m not a prude, but honestly…

I don’t think that June Cleaver ever had ass-less pants. Things have changed in Plainfield, and not a little.

We were driving down the main street when the car in front of us stopped cold so they could have a conversation with a couple of guys that had waved at them. We waited for perhaps 10 seconds, then Doug honked the horn. It was a southern honk. A brief honk, just to let them know that others were waiting. One of the two guys in the street looked straight at Doug and said “White Motherfucker” as he waved his friend off.

We were off to an auspicious start.

Doug’s memory of exactly where things were located  in town was a little foggy so I said I’d just ask someone. Providing directions for a stranger is not an unusual occurrence in the south. Most everyone I know is usually happy to help. So I rolled down the window, said excuse me, and proceeded to ask a man waiting for the bus a question.  This guy looked at me, held out his hand and actually demanded that I PAY HIM for the directions. Can you believe that shit?!

I felt like Chevy Chase in Vacation when he got lost in east St. Louis.

710 Pemberton Ave.

Doug finally found the house where he grew up. Everybody piled out of the van so we could get a photo to show Doug’s mom. The current homeowner pulled up while we were there and Doug explained that he was just driving by having come from TX on his was to NYC. He just wanted to see the place where he’d lived for so many years. I thought perhaps he might’ve been invited inside for a quick peek, but an invitation was not forthcoming.

However, since we were not cursed at or charged for the photo, I chalked the experience up as a win.

We decided to eat dinner at a place featured on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. It was the Starlight Diner in Edison, NJ. The architecture and the ambiance inside was just great. The food was so-so. So now I’m pissed at Guy Fieri too.

We finally got settled into the Extended Stay America about 9:30 tonight. What went on here tonight you would not even believe. We have three computers with us. However, only one of us can be online at a time; and we paid for the privilege of having it! It wasn’t high speed, DSL, or even dial up. I think it’s actually two monkeys clacking coconuts together. Let’s just say it’s a good thing I didn’t have a gun with me.

I got so frustrated I decided to take a break and lay on the bed for a minute. The mattress feels like a cardboard egg carton. Not an egg crate mattress, just the carton. Of course Doug has been sound asleep for hours. The bastard.

Woman from TX runs amok at Edison Extended Stay America. Film at 11.