Before I start my diatribe and gnashing of teeth a quick update. Things here have been crazy busy. I’ve been booking as many events as I can, including going to things during the week. So if you haven’t seen me out and about or at your place please know you’re not alone. I’ve barely been online. All I’ve done lately is work.
But that’s kept me off the streets and outta the bars so that’s a good thing I suppose.
On to new things…
Now that Andy Rooney has gone to the great grouchatorium in the sky, someone has to take his place; and I think I’m as good as anyone to do so. I can be really grouchy, just ask Doug or for that matter most anyone else who’s been around me for an extended period.
So now that I’ve assumed AR’s mantle, sans the crazy-ass eyebrows, I have some questions that I need answers to and some general observations.
1. Why do people jump up and down like maniacs making themselves into moles like those in Whac-a-mole just because a TV camera has turned their direction?
I am totally confused. Can anyone explain that behavior?
2. Now here’s some good news for the woman like myself who are built more for comfort than for speed. According to the Star magazine, which like the National Enquirer is known to be a font of honesty and integrity in reporting, Angelina Jolie wears butt pads to make her skeletal frame look more curvaceous.
I think that’s hilarious.
I’ll admit she can wear clothes that I never could. But have you seen a close up of her forearms and hands? It’s not pretty. They look like a relief map. And besides if we both crashed into a mountaintop in the Andes, she wouldn’t last three days.
Score one for curvy girls everywhere.
Most of these signs are placed by small companies that can’t afford big billboards. The county picks these heinous signs up from time to time up; then the company who posted them can buy them back from the county. It’s a little dance they do. But many times, before they do so, this self appointed do-gooder either slashes them or paints over them.
And some of these signs they destroy are literally 20 ft. or more up on a telephone pole. That requires both a ladder and an extension roller.
I think that’s a lot of commitment just to be an ass; or am I wrong?
3. Last week Justin Bieber was on the Today show. People were lined up on the streets of NYC a full three days before, camping out in the cold weather to make sure they had a good spot for his performance. Good for them. I’m a big believer in doing whatever floats your boat as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.
And this day they interviewed a woman who had Bieber fever big time. Her T- shirt said “Moms love Bieber.”
OK then; I can’t understand it, but if she wants to sleep on a cold, noisy street in Manhattan so be it.
Ten years ago or so, Amanda invited me to a N’Sync concert. At the last minute her friend couldn’t go so Amanda asked me. They were great seats. Amanda had used some of her face painting money and had paid $200 ea for the tickets. We went together; and I had a great time. I liked N’Sync.
There was woman in front of us who was about 35, who had a great time too- a really good time. She lost it- big time- and in the process of screaming louder than all the girls was rubbing her hands up and down over the front of her shirt; and it wasn’t because they were cold.
It was creepy. I felt like a peeping Michele. If I’d had a cigarette I’d have offered it to her when she was done. I’d never witnessed anything exactly like it before, not without some type of plug in novelty nearby anyway.
Anyway, after being totally overcome she looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Of course all the kids Amanda’s age were way too focused on the stage to give her a second look. However, another mom who was sitting nearby and I noticed for sure and we gave each other a knowing nod..
But I’m rambling again, back to the woman with Bieber fever in NYC.
What bothered me was that the woman camping on the street had her two young (too young to be fans themselves) kids with her-camping on the concrete, in the cold. I will admit, when I was much younger and our kids were still young I didn’t walk around in my shirtwaist dress wearing pearls and making tuna fish sandwiches like Beaver Cleaver’s mom, June.
But I also didn’t have my kids sleeping literally 7′ away from traffic that was just whipping by. I’ve been on the streets in Manhattan. One of those crazy ass taxi drivers makes a mistake and little Timmy and Jenny are roadkill. Could it be that I’m just that out of touch? I mean if a Brazilian drug lord is ga-ga over this kid, maybe I’m the one who’s confused; but I think someone needed to give that woman a good shake.
Or did I just overreact?
4. And finally I got an answer to something that had been plaguing me. Just what had happened that broke up Kim Kardashian’s idyllic marriage?
I know that I was verklempt over it.
Apparently one of the reasons was that her new hubby walked into their hotel room and found her doing naked yoga with a male instructor.
And just to be clear, he was naked too. I’m not intimating that there was anything going on. But I know that if Doug walked in and found me doing naked yoga with a guy who was also naked, the situation would get pretty tense pretty quickly. For starters the guy would be chucked outta the room on his naked butt.
But that would never happen. Some of you may remember that I went to yoga about 6 months ago. It wasn’t pretty.
And about the only thing I can imagine that would’ve made it worse woulda been doing it naked. Even the skinny Minnie’s were sweating like whores in church. So why in the world would anyone want to do that naked? Some of the ways you have to contort your body are so unnatural. And I think everyone would agree, not everything looks good being done naked, no matter how toned you are.
So there you go. I think I’m done for now.
I feel better.
Back to the funny next time.