Michele On November - 29 - 2011

Before I start my diatribe and gnashing of teeth a quick update. Things here have been crazy busy. I’ve been booking as many events as I can, including going to things during the week. So if you haven’t seen me out and about or at your place please know you’re not alone. I’ve barely been online. All I’ve done lately is work.

But that’s kept me off the streets and outta the bars so that’s a good thing I suppose.

On to new things…

Now that Andy Rooney has gone to the great grouchatorium in the sky, someone has to take his place; and I think I’m as good as anyone to do so. I can be really grouchy, just ask Doug or for that matter most anyone else who’s been around me for an extended period.

So now that I’ve assumed AR’s mantle, sans the crazy-ass eyebrows, I have some questions that I need answers to and some general observations.

1. Why do people jump up and down like maniacs making themselves into moles like those in Whac-a-mole just because a TV camera has turned their direction?

I am totally confused. Can anyone explain that behavior?

2. Now here’s some good news for the woman like myself who are built more for comfort than for speed. According to the Star magazine, which like the National Enquirer is known to be a font of honesty and integrity in reporting, Angelina Jolie wears butt pads to make her skeletal frame look more curvaceous.

I think that’s hilarious.

I’ll admit she can wear clothes that I never could. But have you seen a close up of her forearms and hands? It’s not pretty. They look like a relief map. And besides if we both crashed into a mountaintop in the Andes, she wouldn’t last three days.

Score one for curvy girls everywhere.

3. There’s someone in west Houston who is nicknamed the “sign bandit”. He’s taken it upon himself to go around destroying bandit signs such as the one below, that are posted by the sign of the road.

Most of these signs are placed by small companies that can’t afford big billboards. The county picks these heinous signs up from time to time up; then the company who posted them can buy them back from the county. It’s a little dance they do. But many times, before they do so, this self appointed do-gooder either slashes them or paints over them.

And some of these signs they destroy are literally 20 ft. or more up on a telephone pole. That requires both a ladder and an extension roller.

I think that’s a lot of commitment just to be an ass; or am I wrong?

3. Last week Justin Bieber was on the Today show. People were lined up on the streets of NYC a full three days before, camping out in the cold weather to make sure they had a good spot for his performance. Good for them. I’m a big believer in doing whatever floats your boat as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.

And this day they interviewed a woman who had Bieber fever big time. Her T- shirt said “Moms love Bieber.”

OK then; I can’t understand it, but if she wants to sleep on a cold, noisy street in Manhattan so be it.

Ten years ago or so, Amanda invited me to a N’Sync concert. At the last minute her friend couldn’t go so Amanda asked me. They were great seats. Amanda had used some of her face painting money and had paid $200 ea for the tickets. We went together; and I had a great time. I liked N’Sync.

There was woman in front of us who was about 35, who had a great time too- a really good time. She lost it- big time- and in the process of screaming louder than all the girls was rubbing her hands up and down over the front of her shirt; and it wasn’t because they were cold.

It was creepy. I felt like a peeping Michele. If I’d had a cigarette I’d have offered it to her when she was done. I’d never witnessed anything exactly like it before, not without some type of plug in novelty nearby anyway.

Anyway, after being totally overcome she looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Of course all the kids Amanda’s age were way too focused on the stage to give her a second look. However, another mom who was sitting nearby and I noticed for sure and we gave each other a knowing nod..

But I’m rambling again, back to the woman with Bieber fever in NYC.

What bothered me was that the woman camping on the street had her two young (too young to be fans themselves) kids with her-camping on the concrete, in the cold. I will admit, when I was much younger and our kids were still young I didn’t walk around in my shirtwaist dress wearing pearls and making tuna fish sandwiches like Beaver Cleaver’s mom, June.

I didn’t.

June would never have done that either

But I also didn’t have my kids sleeping literally 7′ away from traffic that was just whipping by. I’ve been on the streets in Manhattan. One of those crazy ass taxi drivers makes a mistake and little Timmy and Jenny are roadkill. Could it be that I’m just that out of touch? I mean if a Brazilian drug lord is ga-ga over this kid, maybe I’m the one who’s confused; but I think someone needed to give that woman a good shake.

Or did I just overreact?

4. And finally I got an answer to something that had been plaguing me. Just what had happened that broke up Kim Kardashian’s idyllic marriage?

I know that I was verklempt over it.

Apparently one of the reasons was that her new hubby walked into their hotel room and found her doing naked yoga with a male instructor.

And just to be clear, he was naked too. I’m not intimating that there was anything going on. But I know that if Doug walked in and found me doing naked yoga with a guy who was also naked, the situation would get pretty tense pretty quickly. For starters the guy would be chucked outta the room on his naked butt.

But that would never happen. Some of you may remember that I went to yoga about 6 months ago. It wasn’t pretty.

And about the only thing I can imagine that would’ve made it worse woulda been doing it naked. Even the skinny Minnie’s were sweating like whores in church. So why in the world would anyone want to do that naked? Some of the ways you have to contort your body are so unnatural. And I think everyone would agree, not everything looks good being done naked, no matter how toned you are.

So there you go. I think I’m done for now.

I feel better.

Back to the funny next time.

 

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31 Responses so far.

  1. Elisa says:

    Sooo hilarious. Now there’s a problem though, I need to buy myself some butt pads *still giggling*

    • Michele says:

      Oh young one if it were only possible I’d be happy to share some of my surplus backside. I have plenty and then some.

  2. Dazee says:

    ok, I had to wash out my eyes after reading about Kim and her nakedness with the yoga dude. what a freakoide.

    I totally don’t get the Justin Bieber/Beiber frenzy. My 9 year old granddaughter even thinks he’s a dork. I’m not going to be surprised when it comes out that he is gay. Not that I have a problem with it, but just because.
    Dazee recently posted..Dear Cousin Eddie………….My Profile

  3. Answers/Comments:
    1. Because they are total morons.
    2. I am not surprised. I actually wondered how a skeleton maintained such an ass.
    3. It definitely is, yes. Plus, I never knew they are called “bandit signs.”
    4.You did not over react. That woman needs a goof thrashing and a lobotomy. And that woman at the ‘N Sync concert needs the same.
    5. The Kardashian marriage was a sham from the start…it made her millions.

    And you’re not a curmudgeon. You’re hilarious.
    “Susan Says…” recently posted..Warning: Do Not Get Sick on a Holiday Weekend -or- How Latex Glove Balloons Saved the DayMy Profile

    • Michele says:

      Good to know I’m not a total bitch anyway; but that woman on the street with her kids made me crazy. Thank for that kiddo.

  4. fishducky says:

    When you say “Back to the funny next time” do you mean even FUNNIER than this?? I can’t stop laughing!

    • Michele says:

      Yes Fishducky, the truly funny stuff; the sick and twisted that we all love laughing about so much. I’m hunting for some tonight. Hopefully I’ll be successful.

  5. Jenn says:

    Sadly I heard it was Kim’s ass that broke up her marriage. Oh and she married an asshole, lol. Poor Kim.
    Jenn recently posted..The Story of My Fat Pants and Why I Love ThanksgivingMy Profile

  6. Pearl says:

    There will be no “going back to the funny”. You done brought the funny with you.

    Pearl
    Pearl recently posted..One Thing I Know for Sure: The Kitties Must be Treated EquallyMy Profile

  7. Pam says:

    Yeah, that had to be the reason their marriage broke up because nothing else was wrong with that one. LOL

    Pretty sure this post WAS funny!

    Oh, and you’re not wrong and you didn’t overreact!
    Pam recently posted..Wedding Weekend, Part 1: The OystersMy Profile

    • Michele says:

      I was surprised when the person interviewing her didn’t ask about the kids being with her. I would’ve; but then you know how I can be – at least where little ones are concerned.

  8. Pat Hatt says:

    hahaha the sign bandit, ridding the world of cheap advertising one sign at a time..haha

    Yes that mother is totally nuts, no excuse for putting your kids on the cement, let alone near some insane Manhattan taxi drivers.
    Pat Hatt recently posted..Every Flipping Word! Yes, Pat Truly Is A Movie Nerd!My Profile

  9. Janet NZ says:

    You are the funniest curmudgeon (don’t you just love that word?) I know! :-)
    But now I have to go scrub my mind’s eye… trying to rid myself of the image of naked yoga…. urk!
    XXXOOO
    Janet NZ recently posted..Last Day of SpringMy Profile

  10. Michele says:

    Miss Janet if you need to get rid of that image you can always replace it with the Ghettoes…

  11. melynda says:

    I’m with Elisa. I need some butt padding! They don’t call me the assless wonder for nothing. As for Beiber i don’t get it. That woman should be beat.
    Naked Yoga? lol That’s a hell of an unlikely story. They must have just got busted and played it off as yoga. Come on Kim!
    melynda recently posted..Fright then flight.My Profile

  12. Kara says:

    Even without the crazy-ass eyebrows, you do a great Andy Rooney – only far funnier!
    Kara recently posted..Then The Cat Found My Ball of YarnMy Profile

  13. DWei says:

    1. They get excited at the fact that they get to be seen by potentially tons of people and then they look like idiots to increase the chance that they’ll be seen for longer.

    2. I didn’t even know they sold butt pads.

    3. Go big, or go home. :P

    3. I think you meant 4. But Bieber fans are just as bad as Twilight fans so they don’t think like normal people do.

    4. She wanted his money.
    DWei recently posted..Me Not Healthy: Always Tired (Part 4)My Profile

    • Michele says:

      You’re right kiddo, I did misnumber the last two; and thanks for the clarification on the last one. I honestly hadn’t kept up with the two of them so I wasn’t sure who had the money prior to. I’m assuming from your comment he did.

  14. Paige says:

    First time reader here.
    Ok…I officially like you. I found you from your comments over at thebloggess and made my way over here. This is great. When I have the time, I’m coming back to go through some old posts.
    Kudos!
    Paige recently posted..Itty bitty UpdateMy Profile

  15. Michele says:

    Welcome young one. I’m glad you found me. I met Jenny 2 years ago at BlogHer. What a hoot she is. Some days she actually makss me look sane.

    Anyway, if you want to know me better, may I suggest starting at the top of the home page with “What is Bodacious Boomer?” Go there, read and click the links in it. You’ll either love me or hate me.

    On the right is a link to the Bizzarometer photos. Some of them are pretty good too. Hope to see you around again soon.

  16. Doris Pittman says:

    4.You did not over react. What a hoot she is.
    Doris Pittman recently posted..Cancer Tattoos TumblrMy Profile

  17. Judith Atkins says:

    1. Because they are total morons. Even without the crazy-ass eyebrows, you do a great Andy Rooney – only far funnier! Good to know I’m not a total bitch anyway; but that woman on the street with her kids made me crazy.
    Judith Atkins recently posted..Many MopsMy Profile

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  19. I think Kim made a good decision which is to broke up her marriage. That man is an asshole.
    Pauline Stacey recently posted..Gain a Bigger and Harder Erection NaturallyMy Profile

  20. Laura Parker says:

    Kim is doing the right decision. When we are not happy already in a relationship, it is better to set it free.
    Laura Parker recently posted..Lose Weight with Colon CleansersMy Profile

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