It’s already December 8th and this is the first time I really felt like saying that.
Although most people probably would’ve never suspected it, I’ve been in a really dark place for awhile. It’s not that I couldn’t get up every day and function, I did.
I didn’t withdraw from the world. I was out and about.
But it was easy to slip into sadness, real easy.
Prior to our epic trip to NYC* a couple of summers ago, I’d been on an anti-depressant for years. And I was OK with that…
But then while on the trip, by accident I got separated from my meds. And I went off them cold turkey.
I went from the max dose of Effexor to none in one fell swoop.
It was unwonderful times 10.
Those of you who’ve been here for awhile probably remember the story..
Anyway, after my head finally quit spinning around like Linda Blair’s and children and the elderly were once again allowed to be around me, I made what I thought was a good decision.
I wouldn’t go back on Effexor. I’d just go on through life unmedicated- well sans SSRI’s anyway. The way I saw it if coming off those meds was so heinous they just couldn’t be good for me could they?
So for the last year or so I’ve gone through life unmedicated.
And as far as most folks knew I’ve been OK; but I wasn’t like I used to be.
I knew it.
So did Doug, and Evelyn.
Six months ago Evelyn gave me a bottle of St. John’s Wort.
I took it. It helped- marginally.
Finally when I saw my family doc about 3 months ago I told him I thought it was time to go back on the meds, toxic side effects be damned.
He gave me Wellbutrin to try.
Doug was thrilled. Wellbutrin is not supposed to suppress your libido like most SSRI’s.
Did it work?
Not so much, which in reality means not at all. In fact, if anything it made me worse.
I was not only depressed, but now felt suicidal on top of it.
When I went to a show I could flip that switch that turned on my happy face; so no one suspected where my head truly was.
But the rest of the time I was blue, bluer than blue, black-blue and a real barrel of monkeys to be around. And Doug knew better than to aim his “very special part of a man’s body” anywhere near me for fear that I’d just snap it off. It seemed I’d had insomnia forever.
As you can imagine things around here have been flat out awful. The last three shows have all sucked either due to the weather or just no people; and money worries make my stress worse-exponentially worse.
Feeling totally bummed the other night I ate a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream. And to top it off I covered it with walnuts.
I knew I shouldn’t have it. (Both chocolate and nuts are on the hit list for kidney stones).
It tasted sooo good though.
I hadn’t had either of those since October when I had surgery and was told afterwards to stay away from them.
Lucky for me it wasn’t too bad going the other direction since I made myself throw it all up less than 5 minutes later.
After that I made a decision. I called the Dr. and said I was ready to go back on Effexor.
So I did.
I told Doug.
He had mixed feelings.
He knows it’s depresses my libido; but in the last 6 months I’ve been either hostile, sad or both so we haven’t actually been swinging from the chandlers anyway. And I’ve actually been missing that too; but just couldn’t get my head into it much to Doug’s dismay. I think Doug was about to start looking for an apartment for me in Crazytown.
I knew he still loved me of course; but I don’t think liked me very much. There hadn’t been a lot of laughter.
So I’ve been on the meds for a few days and last night, for the first time in at least a year, I slept through the night. I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in a really long time.
And that’s a good thing.
And although I know I should stay here and keep shooting the photos for Ecofab, I’m taking off a couple of hours for me. I’m calling them mental health hours. We’re going to load up all the dogs and go to dog park.
So I want to extend a huge thank you to everyone who’s hung in with me this past year. I know I haven’t quite been myself. But now, thanks to the power of modern pharmaceuticals, I should be back soon.
Stay warm kiddos.
* I think in total there were about 7 or 8 postings about the trip. If anyone wants all the links, just let me know. A few can be found on the homepage under What is Bodacious Boomer?