Did I?

Not so much.

But it was my own fault. I trusted someone I didn’t know well; which in this case means not at all.

You might remember that the director of the Cuban/Puerto Rican came to me last weekend at Festa Italiana and asked us to attend his event this past weekend. I told him we already had something booked and that I’d change my plans but only if he guaranteed that we’d have no competition at his event. (His said his event was huge and that people spent freely.)

“No problem. I guarantee that.” he said as he shook my hand. So we changed our plans to come to his event.

Was it a good idea?

Not so much.

The man lied like a rug.

Directly across from us was a booth doing FREE face painting as a hook to get people to come to their booth.

Guess what?

It worked. They were busy.

But it’s hard to compete when you’re charging $5 for something and someone else is doing it for free. For more the most part the parents don’t care how good or bad a painting is’ just that the kids get one and stop pestering them.

When I tracked down the director he said “Sorry about that. You’ll do fine though.”

And of course I’d already pre-paid my booth fee, in cash.

And in addition to that there was another booth doing it for $2. Doug was seriously pissed and went looking for the man who’d made that promise to us, but of course he was nowhere to be found.

So for the most part our day sucked- big time. I watched person after person walk by with a painting that I hadn’t done. And the free spending that was promised was actually a trickle. It was infuriating. And most of the crowd was Cuban or Puerto Rican (go figure) and spoke no English at all. Of course I couldn’t be upset with the people attending. They’d done nothing wrong.

However, having anticipated a super busy day we even had Brett come to town to help out. What a waste of his time.

The highlight of the day was when a woman- an unusual woman, came to be painted. She was tall- seriously tall- 6’5″ at least. Standing next to her I looked like the Travelocity gnome. She sat down and pulled her maxi dress up, way up. (Her long legs woulda reached all the way up to my armpits.)

“I’m dancing tonight and I’d like my leg painted.” she said in a husky voice.

I was happy since I could just do my thing, painting big swirls.

By that time I was so sick of painting the Cuban and Puerto Rican flags I could have barfed. I hate painting flags of any kind.

“That’ll be $20.” I said.

“That’s fine.”

So I started painting her leg and glittering as I went; and the more I painted the higher she raised her dress, eventually revealing her thong which hid a bulge.

“Just keep on going.” she urged. Having just seen the bulge I now understood the husky voice.

By now quite a crowd had gathered to watch. Many people had kids with them but seemed totally unconcerned. In retrospect I suppose she was showing no more skin than you could see on a beach; but it seemed strange to me just sitting on a street, watching a woman reveal that much skin and not be at Mardi Gras.

It wasn’t that I really cared, but I was surprised by my reaction. After all over the years I’d painted tons of ta-tas, bare butts and even a few tallywhackers and over time have come to think of myself as a doctor; skin is just skin.

And in the end everything turned out OK. I charged her $40 and she was more than happy to pay it.

Then as I was moving the mirror down her leg so she could see all of the painting I noticed the had an unusual fashion accessory on the other leg.

It was an ankle bracelet.

I wanted to ask but knew I couldn’t.

But I bet it was quite a story indeed.

The dog show though, is finally over.

But despite having worked like a dog, I had a really good time; and we did do well too. So it was a BOGO for sure.

My brain and both are both pooped though so forgive me if this post seems a tad disjointed. I’m just going to put down a bunch of random dog show related observations. So if you just gotta have coherency, you might want to come back tomorrow. But for those of you who want to come along with me for the ride, here we go…

Most of the people at a dog show are nice.

I truly believe this. And since all dogs were welcome at the show, not just show dogs; so at least 50% of the people who attended had their dog/dogs with them.

It was fabulous.

I painted a lot more dogs today then the other days. I guess the word must’ve really gotten around.

Just before the end of the day I tried to paint a Bloodhound puppy that was about 4 mos, old- emphasis on the word tried. It was like trying to paint a greased piglet. I’ve never seen such a squirmy, slippery dog. It was like he had no bones.  I’ll admit, it wasn’t my best work. But his mom seemed happy so that’s all that matters I guess.

I met a Bassett Retriever yesterday or maybe he was a Golden Hound; I’m not exactly sure. He was a Bassett- Golden mix. He was at the SPCA booth looking for a forever home. He was goofy looking, with the head and coloring of a Golden Retriever and coat and body of a Bassett.  I’m assuming his dad was the Retriever unless he had a ladder handy when he succumbed to the charms of his lady love.  A sweeter mix of breeds I can’t imagine.

I think I finally found a toy that Lazer and the twins can’t destroy. We can’t have plush toys at Michele’s House of Dogs.

They last about 3 minutes. We can’t even have non-plush fabric toys unless I really reinforce all the seams with dental floss before I give it to them. Our pack is hard on toys. They can rip apart a fabric toy at the seams in no time flat. This new toy is made from the same fabric as fire hoses and is stout, really stout. I’m hoping it’ll last since I spent $17 on it when Doug wasn’t looking.

In our new location we were pretty close to the ring where the dancing dogs performed. Of course since Doug had me glued to my chair 90% of the day I didn’t get to go and watch; but the music they were dancing to was loud. I actually caught myself singing out loud to ABBA’s Dancing Queen while painting a girl’s face.

Strangely, neither the child I was painting nor anyone waiting in line said a thing about it though.. I guess they didn’t want to take a chance on perhaps getting impaled by a brush wielding wack job.

My big $$ splurge at the show was buying some more crack for our pack. One of the booths was selling The Red Barn food that comes in the chubs like ground beef. I loaded up since I don’t know anywhere in Houston to get it and they really love it.

Whenever I had to go to the loo I took Blackie with me. I always let her walk into the bathroom off the leash ahead of me. Then I’d say “You said you had to go; hurry up, your dad’s waiting.”

I loved the look on the people’s faces when she walked into the stall alone.

And now, just because so many of you have your minds in the gutter, I will explain the title of this post.

Then you can go back and read everything before this because I know you skipped everything up to it.

Although most vendors had booths, there was also a trailer inside the show. While walking by one day I noticed a woman coming out the door of it with a rubber glove on her hand. Odd, I thought; but since I was on the way to do something else I didn’t think much about it. Then yesterday when I had more time I looked inside the trailer. This is what I saw:

I was intrigued.

And still being a juvenile about some things I just had to know more.

So I asked the woman who I’d seen wearing the glove for more info. She explained that sperm retrieval and storage of the sperm of show dogs is a big business.  It’s $200 just for the retrieval; the storage of Fido’s essence is additional.

Since we always have rescues, naturally it isn’t anything I’ve ever thought about. Now I was more intrigued than ever so I asked her exactly just how this was done.

“Do you give him an issue of Playdog magazine, have him watch a DVD or what?” I asked

“No, we put a bitch in season in the crate in the corner. Then we bring in the male. Naturally he gets excited; then I take over and help him finish.”

Then I just really had to know so I asked her “Doesn’t he mind?”

And she said with a straight face “Have you ever met a guy that would?”

There were times I got really busy painting the past couple of days. So busy in fact I didn’t take time to stop to eat. This is nothing new. When the people are there I paint, not stopping for anything.

So Doug opened a bag of focaccia sticks and whipped cream cheese on the table next to my paints.

With those I could pick up a piece without looking, pop it in my mouth and keep painting. I could even dip it in the cream cheese and just keep on going; which is exactly what I did- I thought.

I took a bite and before I really chewed it up I dipped the other in the cream cheese.

Then I realized what I’d done.

Unfortunately I had a child in front of me and wasn’t able to spit it out.

So I didn’t.

It was unwonderful.

That’ll teach me to look before I eat in the future.

On the plus side my teeth are nice and clean and my breath has never been more fresh.

It amazed me just how many women I painted last night were virgins. (They’d never had their face painted before.) As far as I could tell they all enjoyed their paintings. I had a good time and  felt good about supporting such a wonderful place.

My apprehension of earlier in the evening proved to be unfounded. I painted a number of the women last night and they were all just great, really fun to be around. After I showed the ladies their newly painted and glittered faces I handed each of them a flier that explained all the different activities that we can provide at corporate events. I also gave them a business card that had Bodaciousboomer. com on it. I explained what my blog is about and encouraged them to visit and share it with their friends. Hopefully the night was a big success not only for the Ronald McDonald house but for me as well. There’s nothing wrong with that is there?

Doug and I are doing kids activities at the Katy Home and Garden show today and tomorrow. We’re going to be in the “Annex” building AKA big, unheated barn. I hope we get some business. It’s cold and windy today here- at least cold for Houston. I broke out my long undies last night to wear today. I decided that if I’m going to sit there for 7 hours painting faces, I’m not going to freeze my ample tushie at the same time. It takes forever to thaw it out.

She was SOOOO drunk

For many, many years the fall was always our busiest time for festivals.They were fun and we made a lot of money over the years. However, after working at events for over 20 years, the thrill is gone. Besides, I’m tired of watching other people have a good time. (All the face painting has given me arthritis in my right shoulder and carpal tunnel in my hand too). So now, I only do face and body painting infrequently. Most of the time the paintings have been on faces.

However, I’ve done more than my share on shoulders, chests and legs. When you’ve painted at Mardi Gras as long as I did, you’ve painted everything. Invariably 20-something guys would come up and ask “Hey, can you paint this?”, while simultaneously grabbing their crotch. (They thought they were going to shock me). Invariably I would say “Let’s do it”. Now 99% of the time, the guys would freak out and run away, with his friends hassling him for being a chicken.

Occasionally, though one would step up to the plate, so to speak. Before I’d  start I’d make a big deal of having to find my “eyeliner” brush. Everyone gets a big laugh out of that. The last time I painted “that very special part of a man’s body” I put a tiny lightning bolt on it- an easy $35.00 for about 15 seconds work. After telling him he was done, he said, “But wait, I’m still wet.” I told him that I realized that. He said “Blow on it”. I said, “No my work here is done. You should’ve planned ahead”. I’ve got a photo of it somewhere. However, I think I’ll keep that one to myself.

I painted on Bourbon Street in New Orleans the Mardi Gras before Katrina hit. A black couple in their late 40′s wanted a body painting.  She opened her shirt and I painted feathers and swirls all over her boobs, finishing with glitter. They were thrilled. Her husband looked at her and said “Let’s go to the hotel and get jiggy with it”. (I wasn’t really sure what that meant, assuming though that it had something to do with having a good time. It did I later found out).

When I was still painting at TRF I had a couple in their 80′s come to me one day to get painted. They’d never been painted before and were visiting the festival with their large extended family.They told me to go wild! (That can be a dangerous thing to tell a face painter).By the time I was done, they were almost unrecognizable. When I showed them their faces in the mirror they were thrilled. I told them how to remove the paint and never gave them another thought- til the next weekend. All of a sudden I looked up and there they were again ready for a painting. The little old woman leaned over to me and whispered “Honey, can you do that again? It was like being with a stranger!” I almost fell off  the stool. She said they’d been married 60 years. Good for her. You’re never too old to try something new I thought. Today’s trivia answer- Pompeii in the 1st century. It said “I don’t want to sell my husband”.

Painted at the Zanibar- Austin 9/2009

The first time I got my face painted it was in 1976 in San Fransisco. Sarah Tomato painted my face at the Polk Street Fair. All of my face was painted and glittered. I had gone to San Fransisco to see Wanda Lamont. (We did some wild and crazy things when we were there). While I was waiting for a bus the first day there a good-looking guy walked up to me and asked if I wanted to go to the “baths”. I told him I had just showered at the hotel. (I was very naive and had no idea what the baths were, but it sounded strange). I didn’t go. When it was time to fly home we had Sarah paint our faces before we got on the plane. Needless to say we got more than a few strange looks as we flew home  in 1976.

The flight attendants kept giving us free drinks. (I don’t know if they knew what to do with us). As I recall our flight home was uneventful, except that we both got seriously snockered. Thank God no one was sitting anywhere around us. I had the magic wand I had bought on the trip with me. It was a fabric star about 6″ across made of shiny silver fabric attached to a silver stick. My folks came to pick us up at the airport. I recall that I walked around, trying to turn my mom into a toad. (Probably not my finest hour). My dad thought it was funny- my mom, not so much.

That September when I was working at an ad agency as an illustrator, I was approached about face painting at the Texas Renaissance Festival. The festival had just started a few years before and was still in it’s infancy. I’d never face painted before. However, I was a fast study and soon was painting there with a regular station aka spot. For the first few years I only painted at TRF which meant 14 days a year. Over the years though, especially when we did the big festivals out of state it could be as much as 18 days straight. The money could be great if I was in the right spot at the right time and the weather cooperated. However, over the years I’ve developed arthritis in my right shoulder and carpal tunnel in my right hand. I guess that’s to be expected since I’ve painted over 25,000 faces in 33 years.

Doug hates to think of me retiring from painting. However, I’m seriously burned out. It’s hard to stay enthused after so many, many years. There’s an event on Saturday where I could paint.  However, I think I’ll just give it to Amanda. I think the time has come. Today’s trivia answer-Toilet paper circa 1857;  500 sheets for $0.50.

BTW- That great photo was taken by John Pesina. If you need any photography in Austin, he’s your guy. johnpesina.com.