Bodacious Boomer

I just realized that Christmas Eve is the day after tomorrow. Logically, I know that. But somehow, I still find it hard to believe. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a less Christmasy mood. I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact that it’s the first Christmas without my mom; she only died 7 weeks ago. I really thought I’d be rallying by now. And it’s not that I’m in a Bah-humbug mood. I’m just not feeling the season. Evelyn and I stopped by IKEA over 2 weeks ago and picked up a couple of beautiful Christmas trees. Although I finally found a stand that would accommodate a tree with a 10″ trunk, my tree is still sitting in a big bucket of water in the backyard. Doug and Brett are going to be leaving to go to CT on the morning of the 26th to take care of Betty, Doug’s mom who is still in the hospital after her fall. Life has really gotten in the way of getting it put up this year. I think Nate and Amanda may be going to CT as well. Doug is expecting to have to start packing up her house and finding a new place for Betty. He thinks she should move down here, close to us, or to L.A., to be close to his sister, Lynne. That’s going to be a huge job. If that comes to pass, no one would be here to help me take the tree down til at least mid-January; and by that time, I don’t want a Christmas tree in my den. With that in mind, it seems I will be tree-less this Christmas.

The doctor said Betty is still confused. (She said yesterday that they gave her Chinese food on toast for breakfast). Doug is so stressed. He said he could deal with the physical problems she might have. (The mental problems are another things all together). We went through a very intense period of those with my mom. She had bizarre hallucinations for awhile. No matter how we tried to comfort her or explain them away, it did no good. It was exhausting to be around her at her house. It seemed as if she never slept. I’m guessing best case, Doug will be gone for a month. Somehow, a month seems longer to me in the middle of winter than in the summertime.

So I’ll be spending New Year’s eve all alone at home. Well, that’s not totally true- I’ll have about 200 lbs.of dogs with me. I’m so glad I have them. When I get really down, there’s always a furry head that needs petting. Doug and I aren’t big New Year’s Eve party folk anyway, so it’s not like I’m going to be missing some big wing-ding. I’ve just always been lucky enough to have him with me when the new year has started.

I’ve got a couple of craft projects I’m going to be finishing up today and tomorrow. Hopefully they’ll turn out well; they’re for Christmas gifts. If they turn out OK, I’ll take some photos and post them. I hope this day finds everyone else bubbling over with the holiday spirit. Ho-ho-ho.

Ladies, have you ever received something red, black and lacy from Fredericks of Hollywood or Victoria’s Secret for Christmas? I have. I even got to open it in front of family. Doug was obviously confused and somehow thought that the teddie was a gift for me. It’s true that it was in a box that had my name on it on it. However, make no mistake. It was a gift for him.

So, if your significant other is in the habit of giving you gifts that are actually for him, now you can turn the tables. Put Dr. Weener’s Studmaster under the tree for him. The StudMaster is advertised as the Over-the-Hill Exerciser. The box states- At last an exerciser that conditions the one muscle that all other machines ignore! Another site states “It gives you a full aerobic workout where you need it most”. (I don’t know that I’d recommend that, or you both might be spending Christmas night in the ER). Hopefully your main squeeze might actually get the joke and catch on. Only $12.95. One size fits most.

Do you have a co-worker who thinks that they’re the best thing since sliced bread and unfortunately think that the workplace is a proper venue to share all their exploits? Are you subjected to a detailed analysis of their romantic pursuits every Monday morning as you sit in your cubicle and their sordid details spill over the partition? Here you go, a perfect gift for them- Phoney Hickeys. Now, just  like a 15 yr.old, they can display a badge of their exploits. (And hopefully leave out the audio portion of the presentation).

Now here’s an item that’s not so much a gift, but handy to have around during the holidays nonetheless. They say you can use them as handwarmers under your gloves. (I guess you could use them for that too). However, I’d just keep a pair around to put on that too “touchy-feely” neighbor or uncle who drops by. You know that guy. He just makes you feel uncomfortable with that pat on your butt or the hug that lasts just a moment too long. (Too bad he’s part of a combo deal that includes your best friend or aunt). This way at least your other guests can see him coming and take the proper measures.

Fifty-eight years ago at this exact moment I was getting squeezed- big time. I was about an hour away from being born. Unlike some people, I don’t remember being born. For the most part, I don’t really remember much before the age of five. Over the years I’ve seen lots of photos of myself when I was just a tot. But I can’t honestly say that I have a lot of memories attached to them- sitting with Santa when I was 2, etc.

My first memory is of me sitting on the porch on my trike and my mom screaming at me not to move. I’m guessing I was 3-4. There was a snake near me. Lela Mae, our once-a-week maid, came out and killed it with a hoe. Isn’t it strange that that memory has stuck in my mind for 58 years now? You’d think I’d have a happy memory instead. I do have happy memories. My young life was not all scary encounters with reptiles.

I remember being rocked by Shess, my grandmother. She wasn’t a big woman, but she had big boobs; and I found out later she never wore a bra- at least not when she was at home. All I remember was that she felt really soft when she would rock me. That may actually pre-date my encounter with Rodney the reptile, I don’t know for sure. A lot of my fondest memories are connected to my grandparents. They didn’t have much- financially, but they had everything I ever needed. Isn’t it funny, I never realized just how little they had when I was growing up? I only wish they hadn’t live 700 miles from me.

I’m so glad my mom was here to be a big part of our kids lives. I think that’s so important. Today, I become the age my mom was when my dad died. (My dad died young-59). That’s a terrifying thought. It’s a cold, gray day here right now. Perhaps I’ll just stay inside make a fire and work on a couple of  Christmas presents. Does everybody get so reflective on their birthday?

BTW- I’m working on the next installment of Unforgettable gifts. Here’s a link to the others, if you need to look back- Unforgettable gifts 1, unforgettable gifts 2, unforgettable gifts 3.

The day after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year. However, do you truly want to get up at 3am to go shopping, risk being trampled by the crowds, then come home too exhausted to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner? Probably not. Therefore, I have scoured the web for you.  Anybody can come up with offerings such as neckties or aftershave. Thousands of sites will offer you the safe gifts- perfume and handbags. This is where people come to find the edgy gifts that you just won’t see everywhere else. Products, that for the most part are, completely politically incorrect, but sadly appropriate for some.

This first gift is for a man engaged in the battle of the bulge, or perhaps for the one who’s surrendered. All women know how much value men put on that “very special part of a man’s body”.  And even though they know it’s always there, they still like to check it out. (We all know they do). Sadly, for some guys, this has become almost impossible due to their adipose tissue AKA beer belly. There’s nothing sadder than seeing a man trying to inspect his family jewels while precariously perched over a hand mirror placed on the bathroom counter. (Not to mention, do you really want your mirror back after that)? Here you go, I give you the solution: The Over the Hill Pecker Detector.

Do you have someone in your life that prides themself on being a hard-ass? Someone that you really don’t like but can’t get away from because of work or familial ties? You know you’ve got to get them something- but what? (They never like what you give them anyway.) Is it time you made a stand and a statement? Then consider this: Grater Toilet Paper. Go ahead and let them know what you really think- it’s the holidays after all.

The last gift is for the fashionista that we all know and sometimes love; the new mom, who can’t wait to outfit her baby in Prada and Gucci, and looks down on all of us who don’t. Well here you go: Heelarious Heels. These soft crib shoes are designed to look like high heels! Each pair of Heelarious heels is packaged in a darling purse-shaped gift box, complete with a rhinestone closure. Cheetah satin heel with black satin lining for infants size 0-6 months. (You know she can never be too young to develop a good sense). of style).

The posting that I’ve gotten the most feedback (comments and emails) about has been Unforgettable Gifts #2. In it I featured the Peekaboo Stripper Pole, also the pole dancer doll for young ladies. Anyway, that posting generated a lot of buzz. Since then, Evelyn saw this and sent it to me. I thought it was a riot so I thought I’d share.