This first one I actually saw at the festival in Austin a couple of weeks ago. It a motorized Igloo cooler. At first glance it may seem like a good idea. The people who had it in Austin were going around selling cold bottles of water for $1. Normally you’d think that was a good thing; and I guess if you were a visitor to the festival it was. However, for the vendors who had a food booth there, it wasn’t. The folks on these coolers just buzzed around and undercut the posted prices having paid no booth fees, assuming no risk. They were scabs. And doing what they were doing was supremely uncool.

Once a scab face painter set up directly across from us at Mardi Gras. We had paid $1200 for our booth. She had paid nothing-nada-zippo. I got pissed and had her run off, at least from being directly across from me. (They had to bring a wheelbarrow to move her testicles.) Months later I discovered the painter had performed a series of “personal services” for someone connected to the festival in exchange for that spot.  And I don’t mean she washed his car. Ewwwww….

This second item I can’t even explain. But with my claustrophobia issues, just looking at it gives me the willies; and with my hot flashes? Plz….. It’s like the Bizzarometer photo with the baby. How could someone actually conceive it; then how could it get all the way through production? All I can figure is that someone was obsessed with the Snorks. 

I’d never seen this last item before today, but having seen it, it explains certain male behavior. Apparently this is a popular gift item for teenage boys and has been for decades. Men, please be aware, this is not the preferred technique. If you’re still confused about just how to proceed, just ask, for God’s sake ask, a female friend.

Finally, here’s an item I’d not seen before but can definitely understand knowing Doug as I do. A bathroom IPOD.

Unfortunately, I think I may have to buy one of these for Christmas.

My quest continues….

I had big plans. If we’d done well this past weekend I was planning on hiring a limo for a couple of hours tomorrow night and taking Doug for a ride around town as a present.  I was going to bring some chocolate dipped strawberries and make sure he had a really great ride. (That is assuming I could get one of those limos that have a privacy screen.)

He only turns 60 once. I wanted to give him a great memory, something really different.

Anyway, I called a bunch of limo companies today and they’re all being asses saying they have a four hour minimum, yada yada yada. (Like they have so much else to do on a Wednesday night.) What a total crock of crap. Well there’s no way that I can afford a four hour rental after the abysmal weekend we had. Besides, after 4 hours of “gifting” I’d have a terminal case of TMJ.

Sooooo, my plans are having to change- fast. I need great birthday ideas for a 60 yr. old fiercely hetero man with the libido of an 18 yr. old. Please keep in mind that I have no time to mail order anything at this point. Also, no farm animals, or other women please. Other than that, I’m open to suggestion.

Also, I need to ask one more question. Please, please give me some feedback on this too. Is is normal to have a lot of “I’m bummed about turning 60″ sex the day before? I’m being told this is the norm.

Is this true? Or is he just trying to get a BOGO? I have no one I can ask on this issue, so I’m depending on you guys to give me some feedback. I know I have male readers now. Talk to me!

All day long my inbox is bombarded by tips on how to get healthy-  eat this, not that, boil this, poach that, steam this, bake that. It seems that someone forwarded my photo from the Jack-in-the Box drive thru to Dr. Oz and now I’m on his hit list.

The good news is that since I live in a tent and move a lot, I doubt he can show up at my flap with his TV crew to shame me on national TV.

Seriously, I do know what to do. I do. And grilled chicken breast and steamed veggies are good- they are. But sometimes, don’t you just want something crunchy to eat that isn’t a carrot and apple or a piece of celery. I know I do.

And other than desserts- what says splurge like nothing else can? French fries. The problem isn’t the French part, it’s the fried part.

I read about a gizmo recently that lets you have your fries and eat them too- pretty much guilt free. It was made by T-Fal, the people that hawked all that non-stick cookware back in the day. It sounded really good to me so I checked. The reviews said the machine worked really great til it didn’t work at all and T-Fal didn’t stand behind it. No way was I going to spend money on any item with such abysmal reviews.

So I pretty much wrote it off as a cruel tease aimed at those of us who enjoy crispy foods. However today,  in my inbox, sandwiched in between mouth watering recipes for endive sandwiches and faux guacamole I saw an ad from Hammacher Schlemmer- and what was it an ad for?  The Healthy Fryer.

You can fry 2 lbs of potatoes in just a smidgen of oil. Truth be known, I think it’s more the convection oven part of the gizmo that just crispies up the outside of the food that is lightly covered with oil, but who cares? You can have crispy again!

And as a concession to the healthy among us, it will also make sweet potato fries, which are infinitely better for you and really tasty! Of course all you health nuts knew that anyway.

It looks like the T-fal piece I’d seen before, but it doesn’t say anything about T-Fal and HS backs it with a lifetime guarantee!

It comes with a real warranty,  it’s not an add-on you have to buy, then argue with some third party in Zimbabwe should you ever need to get it repaired. Keeping everything in mind, I’ve decided that this item is worthy of being included on my Unforgettable Gifts list keeping company with such classics as the Peekaboo Stripper Pole.

Be aware, it is pricey- $299.95. I’ve already bought Doug’s Father’s Day present; in fact UPS just delivered it. (The one I can give him in front of the kids that is.)  So I’m not going right out to get this. However, it will be something that we’ll be getting sometime this summer.

I got Doug a really old bowling pin for Father’s Day. His dad worked his way through college back in the 40′s as a pin-setter and I thought this would remind Doug of his dad- who was a great guy. This bowling pin is all beat to Hell from years of use. I hope he likes it. We’ll see.

Any of you find an unusual gift for this Sunday?

The doctor said Betty is still confused. (She said yesterday that they gave her Chinese food on toast for breakfast). Doug is so stressed. He said he could deal with the physical problems she might have. (The mental problems are another things all together). We went through a very intense period of those with my mom. She had bizarre hallucinations for awhile. No matter how we tried to comfort her or explain them away, it did no good. It was exhausting to be around her at her house. It seemed as if she never slept. I’m guessing best case, Doug will be gone for a month. Somehow, a month seems longer to me in the middle of winter than in the summertime.

So I’ll be spending New Year’s eve all alone at home. Well, that’s not totally true- I’ll have about 200 lbs.of dogs with me. I’m so glad I have them. When I get really down, there’s always a furry head that needs petting. Doug and I aren’t big New Year’s Eve party folk anyway, so it’s not like I’m going to be missing some big wing-ding. I’ve just always been lucky enough to have him with me when the new year has started.

I’ve got a couple of craft projects I’m going to be finishing up today and tomorrow. Hopefully they’ll turn out well; they’re for Christmas gifts. If they turn out OK, I’ll take some photos and post them. I hope this day finds everyone else bubbling over with the holiday spirit. Ho-ho-ho.

So, if your significant other is in the habit of giving you gifts that are actually for him, now you can turn the tables. Put Dr. Weener’s Studmaster under the tree for him. The StudMaster is advertised as the Over-the-Hill Exerciser. The box states- At last an exerciser that conditions the one muscle that all other machines ignore! Another site states “It gives you a full aerobic workout where you need it most”. (I don’t know that I’d recommend that, or you both might be spending Christmas night in the ER). Hopefully your main squeeze might actually get the joke and catch on. Only $12.95. One size fits most.

Do you have a co-worker who thinks that they’re the best thing since sliced bread and unfortunately think that the workplace is a proper venue to share all their exploits? Are you subjected to a detailed analysis of their romantic pursuits every Monday morning as you sit in your cubicle and their sordid details spill over the partition? Here you go, a perfect gift for them- Phoney Hickeys. Now, just  like a 15 yr.old, they can display a badge of their exploits. (And hopefully leave out the audio portion of the presentation).

Now here’s an item that’s not so much a gift, but handy to have around during the holidays nonetheless. They say you can use them as handwarmers under your gloves. (I guess you could use them for that too). However, I’d just keep a pair around to put on that too “touchy-feely” neighbor or uncle who drops by. You know that guy. He just makes you feel uncomfortable with that pat on your butt or the hug that lasts just a moment too long. (Too bad he’s part of a combo deal that includes your best friend or aunt). This way at least your other guests can see him coming and take the proper measures.

My first memory is of me sitting on the porch on my trike and my mom screaming at me not to move. I’m guessing I was 3-4. There was a snake near me. Lela Mae, our once-a-week maid, came out and killed it with a hoe. Isn’t it strange that that memory has stuck in my mind for 58 years now? You’d think I’d have a happy memory instead. I do have happy memories. My young life was not all scary encounters with reptiles.

I remember being rocked by Shess, my grandmother. She wasn’t a big woman, but she had big boobs; and I found out later she never wore a bra- at least not when she was at home. All I remember was that she felt really soft when she would rock me. That may actually pre-date my encounter with Rodney the reptile, I don’t know for sure. A lot of my fondest memories are connected to my grandparents. They didn’t have much- financially, but they had everything I ever needed. Isn’t it funny, I never realized just how little they had when I was growing up? I only wish they hadn’t live 700 miles from me.

I’m so glad my mom was here to be a big part of our kids lives. I think that’s so important. Today, I become the age my mom was when my dad died. (My dad died young-59). That’s a terrifying thought. It’s a cold, gray day here right now. Perhaps I’ll just stay inside make a fire and work on a couple of  Christmas presents. Does everybody get so reflective on their birthday?

BTW- I’m working on the next installment of Unforgettable gifts. Here’s a link to the others, if you need to look back- Unforgettable gifts 1, unforgettable gifts 2, unforgettable gifts 3.

This first gift is for a man engaged in the battle of the bulge, or perhaps for the one who’s surrendered. All women know how much value men put on that “very special part of a man’s body”.  And even though they know it’s always there, they still like to check it out. (We all know they do). Sadly, for some guys, this has become almost impossible due to their adipose tissue AKA beer belly. There’s nothing sadder than seeing a man trying to inspect his family jewels while precariously perched over a hand mirror placed on the bathroom counter. (Not to mention, do you really want your mirror back after that)? Here you go, I give you the solution: The Over the Hill Pecker Detector.

Do you have someone in your life that prides themself on being a hard-ass? Someone that you really don’t like but can’t get away from because of work or familial ties? You know you’ve got to get them something- but what? (They never like what you give them anyway.) Is it time you made a stand and a statement? Then consider this: Grater Toilet Paper. Go ahead and let them know what you really think- it’s the holidays after all.

The last gift is for the fashionista that we all know and sometimes love; the new mom, who can’t wait to outfit her baby in Prada and Gucci, and looks down on all of us who don’t. Well here you go: Heelarious Heels. These soft crib shoes are designed to look like high heels! Each pair of Heelarious heels is packaged in a darling purse-shaped gift box, complete with a rhinestone closure. Cheetah satin heel with black satin lining for infants size 0-6 months. (You know she can never be too young to develop a good sense). of style).

What every mom secretly wants

In Unforgettable gifts #1, I included gifts that could be given to friends and family alike. I know that for some of you, finding the “perfect” gift is truly important. So when I came across these, I just couldn’t keep them to myself. This time the gifts are just for those of us with XX chromosomes. You know how every Christmas retailers come out with those cute mother-daughter outfits, the matching skirts or sleepshirts? Well, these mother-daughter gifts would be appreciated by perhaps the more “progressive” or “free-thinking” mom. Or perhaps a mom who just wants to train her sweet daughter to go into her chosen profession.

So here you go for mom- the Peekaboo Pole Dancing Kit. This is the only portable pole dancing kit that installs in 60 seconds or less! “Put on some music, shake your booty and earn a fortune in Peekaboo Cash”. “Comes with Peekaboo garter and $100 in Peekaboo cash”. According to the website, “there’s a Peekaboo Lap Dancer in all of us and the Peekaboo kit aims to help you find it from setting the scene with peek-a-preparation, choosing a sexy peek-a-name to planning your latest routine. The kit comes with everything you need to lap-it-up”. Lucky for me I read this disclaimer- “Note: The Peekaboo Pole is not a professional dance pole, so not swing on the pole using your entire body weight”. (Of course for your featherweights who are size 2, it’d probably be fine).

I’m sure most little girls wanted to be like their mommy at one time or another while they were growing up. So here’s something for them so they won’t feel left out: The Pole Dancer doll. “When the music plays, she goes round and round and up and down”.  I am NOT a prude, in any way, shape or form. (Just ask our daughter ). Amanda’s often mortified by my lack of prudishness or lack of concern about social mores these days. However, even to me, this doll is too much. Doug just walked in, looked at the photo and read what the packaging said. All he said was, ‘That’s just wrong”. I think that pretty much sums it up. (Of course, he’s all in favor of the Peekaboo Pole for me). When I was growing up, if an item appeared to be cheaply made, my father would say  “It’s looks like it’s made of a Prince Albert Can”. Without seeing one in person of course, I’m guessing that the Peekaboo Pole might be a recycled Prince Albert Can. After reading the disclaimer to him, we decided that perhaps in the interest of my safety and to prevent our ceiling from crashing down we should consult the Army Corps of Engineers to have them make a sturdy pole for me and at the same time come and reinforce our attic and foundation. I know everyone will be relieved to know that there will never be a video of me on a pole on YouTube while I still draw a breath on this earth.

Imagine the look on Grandma’s face when she she’s her granddaughter open her Pole Dancer doll. That alone would be worth the cost of the doll. Happy shopping! Today’s trivia answer- Parcheesi.

For the little princess in the family who wants to be just like mommy.