So here you go.

But be aware, some of these are in seriously questionable, some might even say truly bad, taste. Some might even say they are sick and twisted. Don’t shoot the messenger though.

Any spiders in there?

This reminded me of the movie Patch Adams

I guess this guy isn't ashamed of his choices

Please, please tell me this is a man, even if he does have a camel toe

What, he had money for body paint but not a thong?

Although funny this seems kinda mean spirited

So there you go. Something to start your week off with a laugh or a gasp, depending on how you look at life. Back to my same old thing tomorrow. I hope your Halloween was a great one.

During the festival I picked up a gig to face paint at a bar last night. I didn’t have a costume ready, so I was going to have to scramble to put something together. I remembered the great hat I’d tried on at Cracker Barrel on the way back from New York. I’d  loved it, so I decided to go there and get one. Then I’d  paint my face and I’d be set.

Cracker Barrel was sold out of the hats.  Rats!

And you know, you just can’t go anywhere else and expect to find a black pillbox hat with a veil. Well, not one with purple glitter anyway and that has a giant, non-rubber, spider perched on top. Besides, I had to be there in 4 hours. Now I was in a bind.

I went home frantic to pull something together. Lucky for me, Doug, in a confused moment, had recently bought for me a rainbow, tie-dress dress at a resale shop.  It has a raised waist with a big red heart tie dye heart on the bodice.

(Doug hadn’t understood when I didn’t act like he’d given me a Ferrari when he gave me the dress a few months ago.)

“Gee honey, it’s nice but I can’t really wear it out of the house.” (Evelyn saw the dress a few days later and concurred.)

He was confused by that remark. He gave me that RCA dog look, you know, the one with the head tilt. Then he’d walked off muttering. The only word I could make out was “unappreciative.”

Anyway, yesterday afternoon I was glad I had that dress. I threw on a peace sign necklace I’d bought long ago and was transformed into a hippie. Now what was I going to do with Doug?

Then I had an epiphany.  I remembered that Amanda had bought a wig a week ago. If I could get Doug to wear it, that would be that start.

I grabbed a paisley halter maxi dress out of my closet and thought to myself- I bet I can get him to wear this, and if he wears it with the wig it will be a riot.” I thought he could be a not very convincing, but festive transvestite. When I grabbed the dress from my closet. He looked at me and said “I’m not wearing that dress.”

“Oh, come on, you’ll be great. It’s not like I’m asking you to wear heels with it you know”, I implored.

We went to Amanda’s to get the wig and so I could get more jewelery to add to my hippie look. When we got there, I handed Doug the dress and said “Go try it on.” He said no.

“Go try it on. Just try it on!”

“It’s not going to fit. And if it does, I won’t consider wearing it unless you give me a punch card for blow jobs.” Lucky for me, Nate and Amanda didn’t hear that. They just prefer to think we spend all our time watching Murder She Wrote or old Lawrence Welk Shows. (We’re too adventures of the flesh you know.) Ewwww…

Well he tried it on, but lucky for him, it was way too small. Of course he is 6’1″ and about 240 lbs. (But the dress did have some elastic, so I’d been hopeful.) At any rate, I did talk him into wearing the wig. I told him that when we got there I’d paint his mustache to match. (The more outrageous you look, the more attention you get, and if I get the people to come near me then I can get them to get painted.) Paintings=$$$ you know.

Before we left Nate and Amanda’s she took her dad outside to get a photo. She took one and declared that it looked like a mug shot. Then she got him in this “sweet” pose. So here’s how he looked (minus the bizarre pose) when we got to the bar last night:

We’d been so busy and running late to boot that we didn’t think to get a photo of me.

When we got to the bar last night, we walked by the bouncer, an enormous guy, who looked at Doug and said “I’m loving the blue.” Lucky for me, Doug didn’t hear him.

I just told Doug that he was channeling his inner Katy Perry.

(Since he doesn’t know who she is of course he had no idea what I was talking about.) The club was a bust. Those young ones were just not in the mood to party so we left a lot earlier than I’d expected and go to Chili’s just before they closed. We were the only people in there in costume and got more than a few odd looks I can assure you.

I did get a photo of me this morning:

By manipulating my eyebrows and lips, they made me look like one seriously pissed off zombie. (Obviously I am hungry and in need of a fresh brain. )Thanks to the wizards at Zombie me.com for zombifying me. This was your basic, $9.95 zombification.

They have much more intense zombification available. However, since I’m officially old now anyway, I figured I didn’t really need that much help to be zombiesque. (Sadly, I was correct.) All they really had to do was tweak my eyebrows and lips and I was good to go.

I’m glad I had it done. It showed me that my plans to be  “freshened up” by a plastic surgeon at some later date is a good decision, also my plans to be cremated. I’d really hate to walk the earth someday looking like that.

I guess that’s it for now. As for me. I’ll just be chilling with Katy Perry tonight.  Happy Halloween!

Then you headed out with pillowcase in hand to get all your Halloween booty. Back in the day, you walked for blocks. I usually came home with at least half a pillowcase worth of candy. No joke. This is actually how it was in the late 50′s or early 60′s. It was a huge deal and everyone kept their porch lights on and participated.

Back then no parent felt compelled to check their kid’s candy for razor blades or take it to their local ER to be X-rayed. Then I’m sad to say that the Candy Man changed all that in 1974 by killing his son with a cyanide laced Pixie Stix. It’s always been reported he was from Houston. He was not. He was in a suburb 30 miles to the East, Deer Park. That one man changed Halloween and trick-or-treating forever. I’m happy to report that the state of Texas put him to death for his heinous crime.

Sorry, to be a downer. Back to the pumpkins.

Needless to say, pumpkins have changed- a lot. The Food Network usually airs it’s Extreme Pumpkin Challenge this time of year. I caught one episode last weekend. I bet they’re running one again this weekend. If you’re really into pumpkin carving, you should check it out. Some of them are extremely cool. One I saw had bats that flew overhead, aided by a motor.

Anyway, I thought I’d share some of the ones I found. Some of these I found at Extreme Pumpkins.com. Some are scary, some funny, some just bizarre. Enjoy.

Pumpkin Jail

Careless pumpkin

Rasta pumpkin

Evil pumpkin

Scary as Hell pumpkin

And finally we have the 8th grade boy pumpkin…

Both my dad and Doug’s dad both died when they were 60. Being as Doug just turned 60, that seems very young indeed. In fact it seems younger every year. The walking ad for Preparation H, the man who most assuredly hastened my dad’s death, still lives. He is 91.

Evelyn called me a couple of days ago. Mae, you might remember Mae from a few months ago, was having chest pain. She called Evelyn to ask what to do. Of course Mae knew what to do, call 911. She wanted Evelyn to say “Of course, I’ll go with you.” For those unfamiliar with Mae, please read the links in the couple of posts. You can read all about her.

Please remember that this woman has no other friends or family that will talk to her. Zippo. Also, there are no pets or small children in her neighborhood. Coincidence? Perhaps not.

Evelyn didn’t say anything except Call 911. Then immediately she was stricken by her Unitarian guilt and called me to assuage her conscious. (Apparently Unitarians always try to see the inherent goodness in all people no matter how far they have to dig to find it. In this case, I think Evelyn could dig all the way to China and not find any.)

Now keep in mind, Evelyn is a woman who would give a good friend her still beating heart. She’s inherently good. She can’t help herself.

Evelyn said she felt bad for not going, but there wasn’t anything she could do anyway and she was actually in the middle of a huge project with a pressing deadline for her church. She does all the desktop publishing for a church with over 500 members. She’s always (20+hours a week) busy with something for church and does it all for free.

I tried to make her feel better by reminding her that she really wasn’t skipping out on a true friend or for that matter, even a human. I’m certain that when God was matching up souls and bodies he was just temporarily out of Komodo dragon bodies and by default put her in human form.

I waited through the day to hear something about the outcome of Komodo woman. I finally called Evelyn to check.

“I haven’t felt a disruption of any kind in “the force”. I gather she’s still around.” I know there will be some type of cosmic orgasm that we will all feel when she leaves this mortal plane.

“She is. They couldn’t find anything wrong.”

I knew it. That old bat is 71. She;s not going anywhere this close to Halloween. It is her holiday after all.  She doesn’t have to dress up to scare people. She radiates scary on a daily basis.

I bet she outlives me. Now that’s sad.

BTW- This post was Evelyn approved.

I haven’t had a Halloween party since forever and have been percolating on having one this year. To that end, I’ve already started looking for costume ideas. I came across this- a costume idea from Martha Stewart. I ‘d always heard a rumor that she ate the young of staffers who disappointed her; but I never expected her to put it right out there. I guess it’s a “hide in plain sight” kinda thing.

I know we dress out kids up like M&M’s and other foods for Halloween; but I think it’s just the utter helplessness of this baby that got to me. It seems odd to me that not only the concept, but the photo itself, made it all the way through the editorial process at Martha’s empire without someone pulling the plug on what I consider a bizarre photo.

I found this photo worthy of inclusion in the Bizarrometer files.

It reminded me of the following clip from a  Seinfeld episode. I found this off putting too; but it was supposed to be. Do you find the baby photo bothersome? If so, please give it a score.

Every year the routine never varied.  On Good Friday night we’d gather around the kitchen table to dye eggs. Mom would always gather the same 6 cups, an eclectic mix of mis-matchedness and put one Paas tablet into each one. Then came the vinegar followed by the boiling water. Back then I always thought that those tablets made the best colors; that they were way better than colors you could make with the liquid food coloring. What can I say? I was young.  I always asked why they only put 1 wire egg dipper in each box. (I wasn’t big on waiting my turn back then).

Mom always made an Easter egg that looked like my dad by gluing cotton to the egg to make it look like a balding head. She always took the clear crayon and wrote our name on an egg, then dyed it our favorite color. (Mine was always turquoise). Our Easter baskets were wicker, not plastic. These days there are Easter buckets in the stores. (Somehow that seems wrong). Our dachshund Max, loved hard boiled eggs. It was always a race on Easter morning to find the eggs hidden in the yard before he did.

Our kids were lucky to live  in the same city as my mom. As soon as they were able to participate, my mom was back  at her kitchen table, spreading out the newspapers again, and gathering those same 6 cups.  Over the years mom bought various Paas kits in attempt to change the look of the eggs. Our kids had sparkle eggs, tie-dye eggs, eggs with decals and even Shrinky Dink Easter eggs. Their favorites ones though were just the plain eggs that were left in the dye a long time, making the eggs a jewel tone.

When our kids were young I thought it was important to make the most beautiful eggs in the world. I watched Martha Stewart, trying to learn the way to make the most beautiful Easter eggs, then fussed at myself if mine didn’t turn out beautifully. I used rubber bands, dental floss, sponges, paintbrushes and even paper reinforcements to try to change the look of our eggs.

Although it took me a couple of years,  eventually I came to realize that it was the process, not the outcome, that was so important to the kids. I’m looking forward to being in our new place for next Easter; and now that my mom is gone, it seems that the annual gathering of the cups has fallen to me. I figure I better get in a lot of practice before there are little ones gathering around my table on Good Friday night. I wouldn’t want to drop the ball egg. Happy Easter everybody.

Even though I was stuffed on the way home I was thinking about what else that was bad for me that I could eat that day. (I knew that I was going to be going back to healthy eating the next day and was determined to make the most of my day off, so to speak). We got home and I worked on my new project, paper mache. It got to be about 9ish and I thought about food again. Before I made this change towards healthy eating, I would’ve made sure I packed as many forbidden foods into my day as possible.

I can’t do it anymore it seems. I did manage 4 oz. of reduced fat chocolate ice cream. That was it. That’s all I had the rest of the day. I remember thinking I should have more since I won’t be having dessert again for a long time, but I just couldn’t do it. I think the “bad” Michele is gone. I think I killed her by healthy eating.  It seems I can no longer  appreciate the chance to be bad. I know it’s better for me. However, the iron test will come on Halloween and then my birthday. I’ll know she’s gone for sure if I don’t go wild with my birthday cake. Only time will tell. Today’s trivia answer- 100 for cats, 15 for dogs.

Winter starts just a few days before Christmas. The holidays are great- but for me the best part is early on. Going to get the fresh tree and unpacking all the old ornaments, I love that. What I don’t like is all the gift stress. Did I spend enough? Will they like it? Christmas day is a lot of work for the mom who’s hosting dinner. I mean it’s great having everyone together, but before dinner everybody’s visiting and after dinner everybody’s too stuffed to help.

Then the holidays are over and you’ve got to take down the tree and put everything away. (I hate that part). Then the long push til spring. This is when Houston comes into it’s own though. I’ve worn shorts many, many times Dec.-Feb. while most of the rest of the country is in a deep freeze.

Fall however, is where it’s at. The average temperature now is in the low to mid 80′s, the humidity down. We don’t have the big explosion of colors with the whole leaves changing colors thing. (No one comes to Texas to see the fall foliage). You know it’s fall when you see a steady stream of cottontops pulling RV’s, heading to south Texas for the winter. Late September and October you can actually walk around a festival without looking like a contestant in a wet T-shirt contest with your shirt stuck to you from all the sweat.

Fall means Halloween, my favorite holiday. I think more adults should celebrate it, especially as they get older. I always went to work tricked out in various Halloween costumes until I got married, pregnant and quit work. (I realize that dressing up at work may have been a little easier for me since I was the art director at an ad agency). When your kids are little it’s all about them of course.

When the kids are grown and (hopefully) gone, why not reclaim the day for yourself? If you’re lucky enough to be retired or at least self-employed you have no reason not to. I’d love to have Fred Flintstone cleaning my teeth or Dracula changing the oil in my car. I intend to to start dressing up again- this year. (I’ll take photos to document my silliness). It makes people smile when they see an adult in a costume- people need a reason to smile more. Now I just have to decide what I’ll be. Today’s trivia answer- the Bay of Fundy.