Mom

I’m all alone right now. Nate and Amanda went over to a friend’s house. Evelyn and Ken are out for their anniversary dinner. Brett had a wedding to DJ tonight in Austin. It was booked months ago and it’s $500 for him so he and Doug left right after lunch today. When I got back here this evening, I dug through my Elfa drawers, found my Mickey Mouse sleepshirt, and put it on. It’s so old that although it started out as 100% cotton 15 yrs. ago, now it feels like silk. How the very atoms of the fabric still stay together after all this time and all the washings is a mystery to me. Obviously I can’t wear it out of the house. However, I can barely wear this in the house anymore. Mickey is now almost transparent- but just so comfortable; I just can’t throw him away. Mickey has become the clothing version of comfort food. (Doesn’t everyone have that one item of clothing that most people would throw away but they just can’t part with)?

So while I’m writing this I’m wearing Mickey, eating Wholly Guacamole and Wheat Thins and watching the Amazing Race. I decided when Mom died Wed. afternoon that I was just going to get through the next few days any way that I could. Since I haven’t cooked since then pretty much I’ve just been eating whatever’s been put in front of me, fat grams and calories be damned. My initial guesstimate is that since Wednesday night, I’ve probably put on at least 2-3 pounds.

My mom’s service today was nice, by most people’s standards. There were six floral arrangements and only about 20 people there, counting family. (Mom had outlived most of her friends). She hadn’t been to church in over 20 years, so we’d decided against a church service. However the minister that came to the chapel was plenty churchy anyway. I’m a very spiritual person-but this man was over the top. He did three prayers, read scripture and read the lyrics of Turn, turn, turn by the Byrds- three times! I cried thru the first reading, wondered if I was hearing right thru the second reading. When he started doing it for the third time I leaned over to Evelyn and whispered (At least I thought I whispered), “Is he getting paid by the minute?” After that I whispered “Wrap it up. Wrap it up.” At lunch I discovered that everybody at the table felt the same way during the service. I also discovered that I wasn’t exactly whispering. (Apparently even my whisper resonates). Oh well, my mom would have said the same thing if she could’ve.

I realized today that it’s important to let everybody know what your wishes are way in advance. For me, my memorial service will be held at dog park. If it’s summertime, shorts and flip-flops will be mandatory. The video presentation about my life will be put on YouTube. That way the people that want to see it can get to it whenever they want, and those that don’t won’t have to be subjected to it.

I know I won’t be over this by tomorrow. I think I’d be weird if I was. However, tomorrow I’m going to do my best to get back to my “normal” life, whatever that is- back to cleaning my house, going to the store, seeing what’s going on in the world and writing this blog. Mom would want that. Today’s trivia answer-honey.

Shortly thereafter the Adavan kicked in and she became relaxed. Although her eyes stayed open, she was actually gone, but it took another 30 minutes for her to flatline. It was very horrible for us to watch. I hugged her and told her that Daddy (my dad) was waiting for her. It was actually a very peaceful exit for her, and thank God, a quick one- three hours. Luckily Brad is handling all the paperwork. I haven’t cried anymore since just after her passing. I’m sure that I will. However, I know in my heart that’s she is in a much better place with no afflictions. I’m totally spent. I’m going to take some Advil and aspirin, unplug my phone and go to bed. Good night Mom. I love you.

Post surgery

I spoke to mom today. She sounded a little better to me. However, she said she still felt bad. Apparently a whole herd of different docs had been in to see her, including an oncologist. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get the straight poop on what’s going on with her from her primary physician tomorrow. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. However I’m afraid it won’t do much good. We’ll see.

Evelyn really stepped up again today to help me out. I cursed, then I cried out of frustration and she just patiently listened. What a fabulous friend! She kept me from whacking Doug in the head with my big cast iron skillet. (He promised me that our fence would be dog-proof, that is dog-escape proof, months ago). He knew I was PO’d this morning. We didn’t even have to speak about it; One of the perks of being together since God was a child I guess.

I’ve had my fill of drama today. I’m exhausted. I’m looking forward to something funny tomorrow. For as Scarlett always says “Tomorrow is another day.” Maybe I’ll go find my hoop skirt, fix a mint julep and sit on the veranda. BTW- I’m planning to be back from my trip to Crazyland in the morning.

Mom in 1943

My mom had to be taken to the ER late Wed. night. She said that her abdomen was rigid and she just wasn’t well. I called her today. She said she was still feeling bad, but insisted that I not come over today. There was nothing yet to tell. They were just starting to run tests. I did have a long talk with her nurse, Carmen. She was extremely cool and able to tell me exactly what was going on, what tests were ordered. The thing that scared me most today was that they were running a full body scan to test for metastases. I haven’t heard when we’ll get the results. I have mixed feelings about how fast I want them. If it’s good news, bring it on. If not, it can wait.

Even if it’s good news, there will have to be some changes made. My brothers have had mom parked in that apartment for 6 months now. She DESPISES it. She has no friends there and she won’t cook for herself. She doesn’t leave her apartment except to get her mail. It’s almost like being in prison- but it’s safe and cheap. And my brother likes that. More money for him later you know. The bastard. I intend to speak to the social worker and the doctor tomorrow about having them insist that she move somewhere else. The place before the apartment was $5K a month. I knew she couldn’t stay there forever. There are other options though. She’s got to be someplace where she can interact with people again, be happy again. Mike will fight this with all he has. I know that as well as I know my own name.

If it’s bad news, then that will be that. Mom will be 86 in December. A few years ago, the last time she had a cancer scare, she was told that no doctor would treat it if it had recurred. There’s no way she could tolerate chemo again. And with her lungs, ravaged by 30 years of smoking and damage from cobalt treatments for breast cancer, anesthesia is always a dicey proposition. So I’m sure she’d probably go straight to hospice. My dad died suddenly at home one night 28 years ago. I had played cards with him that day and before I left their house gave him a big hug goodbye. That was the last time I saw him and how I remember him. I was never angry with him for leaving so abruptly. He was on to bigger and better things. The older I get, the more I realize just what a great way to die that that was.You’re here- then you’re not. I fear my mom will be not be so lucky, whether now or later. Only time will tell.

Blondie

Evelyn and I went to the gym today and then to her house to work on a project for her church. I received a call about 5pm from 24 hour Pet Watch. A neighbor down the street had one of our dogs. I freaked out and called Doug. He ran home and counted furry heads. Four dogs were still inside the house.  Blackie was in the front yard. Doug went and got our escapee Little Bit, filled the hole where they’d escaped and came to Evelyn’s to get me.

When we arrived home at 11pm, the pack was rowdy as usual except for Blondie, who was just laying on the floor. I approached her and noticed a three inch gash on her thigh. The wound wasn’t bleeding but it was gaping, open and deep. Doug somehow hadn’t noticed it when he did the head count earlier. I immediately called the emergency vet and described her injury. They assured me that by this time I could wait to take her to my regular vet in the morning. I carried her to my bed, covered the wound with a sterile pad and wrapped her leg with gauze. Luckily I had some Clavamox here, so I was able to give her a loading dose of antibiotics. We’re off to the vet early in the morning for stitches. I am so tired, but not sleepy- just too much on my mind I guess. I hope I can get some sleep tonight. However, I’m not very optimistic about that.

You know I can almost always find something funny in any situation. Right now I’m just not feeling it. No trivia right now- sorry.  If tomorrow doesn’t totally suck, perhaps I’ll post again and include some trivia.