Now that the pack is all healthy again and I’m done traveling for a while I must once again face my lack of willpower. Overall I’ve been pretty successful in my life- willpower-ly speaking. I was a bartender who never became an alcoholic. I tried recreational drugs a few times a lifetime ago, way before Doug.  (Nothing too harsh, no needles or such.) I was able to walk away from all that, no problem. I’m not a buying or hoarding junkie. (Although I live with one.) I don’t gamble excessively. I don’t smoke.  And I’m not a sex addict.

Not that Doug would have a problem with that anyway.

No, I’ve got to get back on the wagon to Healthville. I know the way. I’ve been there before. Hell, I’ve even driven the damn wagon, picking other folks up along the way. That climb up to the wagon just seems so much steeper every time I have to do it now. And my real problem is that once I get there, I get complacent. Complacency is my kryptonite.

Here’s how it’s gone in the past- I’m feeling good, looking better, the doctor’s happy with my all my numbers. I can relax for a bit- just a weekend off won’t hurt.

That’s bad Michele thinking again.

Bad Michele has been back for awhile now. She’s a lot of fun. No doubt about it. But she is the queen of bad decision making so just like all the times before, that bitch has just got to go. She’s overstayed her welcome for sure this time for sure; and I fear that if I don’t evict her butt now, within a few years my ass might literally be so big that a forklift would be needed to get it, and the rest of me, outta this house.

I’ve written about bad Michele a lot. Just do a quick search is you want to know more. Be warned- You may learn more than you ever wanted to.

I wonder if EST would help get rid of her permanently? Or perhaps a silver bullet?

Why is this so damn hard for me? At one time, in another life, my IQ was 131. I’m no dolt. I’m forgetful as all Hell now, but I’m not stupid.

Before we left for Austin, I bought a swim belt so I could deep water aerobics. There’s a class at 7am. (I just don’t know if I’m quite that motivated- at least not yet.) Besides, if you can’t touch the bottom of a pool, do you really need an instructor telling you to run in place? Is there more to it than that? If anyone knows, please tell me. Seriously- I want to know.

I’ve cleared any junk out of our cupboards. We didn’t have all that much anyway, but what was in there is gone now. So all I need now is to find a ex-nun to follow me around and rap my knuckles when I reach for the wrong thing- or too much of a good thing for that matter. Anyone know a nun looking for a job?

Be forewarned. I tend to get cranky when I’m hungry. But if I kicked Effexor cold turkey, this couldn’t be much worse, could it?

One word of caution: You may want to keep young children and the elderly off the streets for awhile til my blood sugar stabilizes.

The Fighting Nun is the most popular punching puppet. She comes out swinging with finger-activated arms that move independently and a spring-action head that bobs and weaves. Her face is made of peach rubber and her habit is cloth. (I guess if you don’t want a Caucasian nun you’ll have to change her yourself with a Sharpie.) The boxing gloves are interchangeable with the ruler, which is included for those who’d like to reminisce about parochial school. Brett just told me that this puppet has been around forever. That may be. However, I hadn’t seen it and I wager a lot of the baby boomers haven’t seen it either. Also available are the Fighting Rabbi and the Fighting Devil. Purchase all three and you can stage your own Ultimate Smack-down.

Now I really like this next product. It’s kind of a BOGO. It’s both fun for the child and a heads-up for the parents who are clueless about their little angel appears to the rest of the world. Devil Duckie leers at you with his arched eyebrows. It’s hard to resist his tiny horns and cute chubby red body. Give it to that “special” child – the one who throws tantrums, torments the dog and runs wild through the stores.

I can’t believe I haven’t seen this next item before. The Inconspicuous Toupee is just fabulous. Your friend will never worry about their thinning hair again. They can simply strap this to their head and the bald spot is “inconspicuously” covered with a lovely swath of hair. Your follically challenged friend will thank you everyday for this considerate gift.

I was in a hot tub one night and a guy’s toupee actually floated off his head. (Needless to say it made for a really awkward moment.) If he had been wearing the Inconspicuous Toupee he could’ve just self-confidently undone it and thrown it aside. In case the toupee wearer has not gotten the hint by now just tell them to go for the gusto and the grins by wearing this. It’s probably better than what they’re wearing now.

That’s all the gems I’ve found so far. However, I’m always on the prowl for those great gift items that will make a lasting impression. More to come in Unforgettable gifts#2.