Now you may remember that I railed about Spanx when they came out. I said “no way”. That was back over a year ago now. But as it turns out, last summer when it got close to time for Doug and I to go on our first vacation in years, I flip-flopped, and did a complete 180. I finally bought a pair of Spanx. It was quite a process.

I took them on our trip to NYC and wore them three times. Getting them on is always an ordeal. (However, I have to admit that I did feel more attractive with them on.) I wasn’t proud of myself for needing the boost of self-confidence they gave me, but I did look how tight everything was- if only for awhile.

To my knowledge, I’ve never know a man who has worn Spanx Manx. Most of the guys that I know are baby boomers in long term relationships; and from what I can surmise, they are all quite comfortable with their bodies and the changes that have happened to them over time. Not that they’re all body beautifuls, they’re not. But the men I know just don’t seem to obsess over it as much as some of the women I know do.

I know a lot of women who, even though they too are in a long relationships, still wear Spanx for special occasions. (I mean we can tolerate anything for a few hours after all.) However, I don’t know any women who are vain enough to wear them every day. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, if that’s what you’re into. More power to you.

If you want to hear some funny stuff just ask a woman who wears Spanx about the process of getting into one. One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen was part of an HBO special Wanda Sykes did about women aging and Spanx. Watch this clip from about 1 minute in til the end of this segment. As always, here’s a heads up for my more sensitive readers. There’s cursing  but it’s soooo worth it.

I thought her bit about Kegels was a riot. And the part about Ester Roll- priceless. I think I have conjoined twins myself.

I know that I’m not as self-confident about my body as I was in my 20′s. I know too that it shouldn’t matter so much to me by the time you get to this age, but it still does to me- at least sometimes.

Doug certainly doesn’t look exactly the same as he did when we met. (Of course I still think he looks great.) Needless to say my looks have changed more than a tad too, and for us I think that’s probably a good thing, that we’ve both changed, that is.

I read many times that in the relationships that last the longest the people that are most closely matched in looks have a better chance of making it long-term. Remember Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovette? What about Raquel Welch and Andre Weinfeld? I thought that both of those couples were quite mismatched, looks-wise.

When we were in our early 30′s, Doug and I decided we were both 7′s. (Yes, we thought we were all that back then.) Of course we had no way to validate that number, but we were happy with our assessments nonetheless and in no need of validation. Now I wouldn’t hazard a guess.

A few minutes ago when I told Doug I was writing this I showed him a photo of a man from the Spanx ad and asked him “Would you ever consider wearing one of those?”

He looked at me with his head to one side and said “I don’t think so.” in a dismissive tone. And although he left out the “Are you fucking crazy?”  it was implied. At that very second with his head tilted he reminded me a lot of the RCA Victor dog.

What he also didn’t say was “Do you think I need to?” I don’t think it would’ve ever crossed his mind to ask me that. I on the other hand, would’ve assumed exactly that. Although Doug would never even hint at that.

Don’t you just love the guy in the photo? Just have your guy wrestle into his Manx and he too will have a six-pack!

Yeah right.

So do you or your main squeeze wear a Spanx or Manx?

It was not a scene suitable for children or those with a weak constitution.

Holly, who writes the blog, Are you Serious? asked me “Does wearing Spanx gives you a case of swamp ass?”

Since I’ve not worn mine out on the streets yet I could not speak with any authority on this issue. However, living in the South, swamp ass is a frequent topic in the summer months.

However, I decided to be pro-active and well prepared hoping to forestall this most disgusting problem. So I did some research and found this product- Manopon.

Now, I can read and I do notice that the advertisement clearly states that it is a “Masculine Hygiene Napkin”.

However, does that mean I and my fellow sisters must contend with the misery that is swamp ass just because there is no product called Womopon?

Yes, women can get it too, even if our private areas are configured different than a man’s. Hot, sticky and sweaty is still hot, sticky and sweaty no matter which sex you are. (And this isn’t the fun type.) Any woman that says different is just too embarrassed to admit it.

Please.

I can only fathom 1 reason why they may not be suitable for the fairer sex. And that would only be if to use the Manopon you must secure it around that “very special part of a man’s body”; to make sure the napkin stays in place and doesn’t migrate, eventually trying to make a break for it at an inconvenient time.

However, as any woman over the age of 55 can tell you, most of us learned over 40 years ago how to deal with pads that migrated. Remember those tiny elastic belts?

Weren’t they were just wonderful? I know I certainly loved having to deal with them every month.

Over time however, we learned how to keep those damn pads in their place, even if it meant we had to walk like we had a case of jock itch or had just ridden a horse non stop for three days . If we could do that then, we can do it now.

Manopons for everybody! Swamp ass be gone!

But now that I’m about to go on my first vacation in years, I thought I’d just “try on” a pair to see what all the hub-bub is about. After the salesgirl handed me a pair I looked at her like the RCA dog. Was she on crack? I wondered. This thing looked like it would fit a 10 yr.old, a skinny one that is.

“Just go try them on”, she said casually.

“Trying on” is not actually an accurate description of actually what went on in my dressing room. A more accurate description would be to say there was a steel cage death match between Evelyn, myself and the Spanx. I kid you not, the match lasted at least a full five minutes.

I’d been instructed to gather up the material in the each leg, then pull them on, one leg at a time. Easier said then done, I can assure you. In the movie The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, Burt Reynolds receives a thong as a gift. He goes to put it on and yells out “It’s like trying to put two bowling balls in a marble bag.” After my dressing room debacle yesterday, I can totally relate.

Back to the dressing room. I had one side of the Spanx, Evelyn the other. She yelled “PULL!” exasperatedly.  “What do you think I’m doing?!” I fired back. And on it went. I’m telling you this thing had a life of it’s own. I felt like the priest at the end of the Exorcist wreslting with the Devil.

When we finally got it completely up, I looked at myself. I was dripping with sweat, but, amazingly, jiggle free. (Keep in mind, I haven’t been jiggle free since the Clinton administration.) With more than half the skin on my torso now compressed and smoothed by the insanely strong latex I now had an amazing resemblance to a giant peach colored bowling pin.  Evelyn looked at me and said “Skin on the baloney”. I can always depend on her to make me feel better.

I forgot to mention, there is even a hole in the Spanx so you may pee while still still wearing it. I’m planning to dehydrate myself prior to ever wearing it, so that won’t be a problem. And as far as pooping goes- I can state without equivocation- that there will be no pooping while I am Spanxed. I realize that there is no way I could ever extricate myself from this thing without help. Also, I vowed that Doug would never see me go struggle with this. Childbirth, OK, putting on or getting off Spanx-no.

But as you have probably surmised, I bought the Spanx. However, it seems that the pair I tried on were industrial Spanx, not really meant for the public; having been developed for military use, they should have never been put in a store.) Instead I bought the Power Panties, which although also quite constrictive, are at least manageable by yourself if you have a lot of patience and a good sense of humor I was told.

So… I did get my Power Panties on last night all by myself last night- thank you very much, and immediately felt the need to find a cape and leap tall building with a single bound.

Didn’t you ever hear of Super Middle-aged Woman? Don’t you laugh at that. I’ll zap your ass with one of my super powers. I’ve got em. Do you?

Actually she sent it as a joke, knowing full well how I feel about them. I’m not advocating that everyone always has to go “au naturel” all the time. I think control top panty hose are great when you just need a little help to make you feel beautiful in a particular outfit. However, I don’t think that putting on any foundation garment that takes three people to help you get into and EMS personnel with the “jaws of life” to get out out of can be a good thing. What if your true love has plied you with champagne and strawberries all night and you just can’t wait? His Viagra has kicked in and the clock is ticking. Do you really want to have to have him help you out of a garment that’s holding onto you like a giant anaconda? There is just nothing sexy about that, unless you’re into bondage; and from what I’ve seen, Spanx aren’t nearly industrial enough for most of those folks.

Back when I started this blog, I wrote about Spanx. It’s a pretty good bit I think- kinda long, but funny. Here’s the link if you’d like to take a look-see. Thanks but no Spanx.

By my senior year, I’d had enough. I had it cut really, really short. Back then I could pull it off (Now, I ‘d look like the bulb end of a green onion with the little roots on top). I fought my curl for another 15 years. About the time I gave in to it, curly hair came back into acceptance. Now I love it. No perms or curling irons for me-just wash and wear. Of course these days if a curly girl wants straight hair she just uses a Chi iron and voila!-straight hair. Our daughter Amanda got a Chi iron as a gift. I had her straighten my hair one night. I walked into our bedroom and Doug said  “What the Hell happened to your hair? Is that permanent?”(I guess that tells you how it looked.) I hopped in the shower and when I got out my curls were back.

Thinking back now it seems unbelievable that we wore pantie girdles and stockings to school.  The pantie girdle was just to hold up your stockings since no one back then really had anything that needed to be held in. I don’t know what possessed us to wear all that-especially in Houston, the second most humid place on the earth next to the Brazilian rain forest. I had asked my mom about a garter belt but was rebuffed. “Nice girls don’t wear those, Michele.” I was told. Once an adult, I’ve never thought to ask a woman my age from another country if they also wore all that when they were in high school. It would be interesting to know.

When I arrived in Austin to start UT in the fall of ’69 I had all new clothes. I had “outfits.” All my undies-the bras, panties and slips also matched. I’m not even sure why it was so important to me. (I was still a virgin. It wasn’t like anyone was going to see them.) My dad urged me to take a self-defense course. I took karate and enjoyed it a lot. I became so flexible I could stand with my heels touching the wall and Jack, the instructor, could lift one leg completely over my head and touch my toes to the wall behind me. I was in great shape. I didn’t wear a pantie girdle ever and a bra maybe 50% of the time. (The whole no bra thing was a BIG mistake I later discovered.)

Until my early 30′s everything on my body pretty much stayed where it needed to without help from the Army Corps of Engineers. Then after the two kids and my crazy schedule, which I thought gave me permission to eat junk, everything was on the move. If you look at chart of my fitness over the years it looks like an EKG. If I have a dressy event to go to I will wear control top panty hose. However, that’s as far as it goes.

Perhaps I would’ve been more concerned about looking just so if I had to wear one of those long, slinky sequined gowns you see in Hollywood. (I bet those women are cranky most of the time because they’re hungry.) I recently read that Oprah stated that she wears a  Spanx bodyshaper everyday. Good for her if that’s what she wants. That’s just not for me. I’ve seen that they even now have Spanx for your arms. Can you believe that? Although my mom has never weighed more than 120 lbs. in her life, even her triceps are flappyish now. It’s gonna happen eventually no matter what you do.

One of the perks of getting older is that you become more comfortable with who you are. Most of us can’t wear the clothes we wore in high school. I think that’s OK. (If you can, I applaud you.) I’m not advocating everyone become Jabba the Hut, laying on the couch and eating a bag of Doritos the size of a bean bag chair. I say just do what you can, make reasonable choices and enjoy your life. I’m back at the gym just trying to get as healthy as I can without being a zealot. (I can’t maintain zealot for the long run.)

As far as the Spanx go, thankx but no Spanx for me. At least not right now. (However I reserve the right to change my mind as my trip gets closer.)