It’s like when you were little and you got a big, unsolicited hug from a relative that you’d never met before. You knew that hug was coming from the second you saw them arrive; and you also knew there’d be no escaping it.

That’s how it is now here. When I opened the door this morning I felt like I’d been hit in the face with a warm, heavy, drippy sponge. There is no escape, as long as you are outside.

Most women under 70, have now all but abandoned make-up for the duration, at least in the daytime. Sunscreen, mascara and perhaps some lip gloss is what most rely on til the first cold snap, which is still months away.

There’s really no point in putting anything else on anyway- it won’t be there for long. I read yesterday about a salon here that has “humidity-proof” makeup. Oh yeah, if you believe that, then I’ve got a bridge for you.

The women over 75 seem not to notice the abysmal conditions so much. It seems many of them still apply their rouge and blue eyeshadow with the same zeal they did when they were young. You know they’re old if they call it rouge.

But who’s going to tell Grandma she looks like Miss Kitty (the saloon owner and madam) on Gunsmoke? Besides, a lot of them would just think that was a compliment anyway.

Perhaps it’s that they don’t have to run around doing errands in the heat as much as the rest of us. Or perhaps, as you get older, your internal thermostat just re-sets. Have you ever noticed how many *LOLs are wearing a sweater when you’re comfy in just shorts and a t-shirt?

Come to think of it, that must be it. My mom lived at a seniors apartment, her last year. Every time I opened her front door, I looked for baby chicks everywhere.  She kept her place at a brisk 85 degrees.

Well, at least we of the female persuasion don’t usually have to contend with swamp-ass, an unwelcome but all-too well known summertime affliction of those who tote tallywhackers.  I hope you have a great Saturday. Soggily yours, Michele

* Little Old Ladies

This is a T-shirt available from localyokelshop.com

According to USAToday the California Supreme Court has decided that it will no longer allow nude sunbathing on California beaches. I find it interesting that this happened in what is probably considered the most “free-thinking” state in the country. I’ve been on California beaches before. When some of the young and fabulous have on their “swim suits”  they are a lot closer to being naked than not so I don’t see what the problem really is.

California has a zillion miles of coastline. If a group of folks want to bare it all in a secluded place I don’t see the problem. I’ve read a lot of  comments on sites that have posted this story. Some say that those of us who are no longer taut and super toned should be isolated away from public view as not to offend their eyes. Perhaps I should start a Club Med for the soft or celluite set on Devil’s Island somewhere far from contemptuous eyes. A place where those folks could enjoy a beach without being pointed at.

Little do these young and judgemental realize that they too, like most of us will probably succumb to the ravages of age, gravity and excesses. (A few people are able to escape those ravages, but they are in the minority). One person who I think looks fabulous for her age is Raquel Welch. I just looked her up on IMDB. She is 68!!! I’m sure she’s had work done but she doesn’t have the Joan Rivers alienesque look. I think she might have some of the youth potion from the movie Death Becomes Her. Or maybe she’s a pod person from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Who really looks like that at 68?

Hippie Hollow on Lake Travis about 20 miles outside Austin has been a famous clothing optional park for as long as I can remember. It was there when I went to UT and I had a body to die for. (That was in a parallel universe in a land far, far away). I just never felt the need to go. However, I also have never felt the need to go railing about like Carrie Nation to advocate shutting it down. If people want to swim naked and they’re not hurting anybody so what? It’s not like Lake Travis doesn’t have a lot of other coastline, it does. That’s what confuses me about the hub-bub in California. They have 840 miles of coastline.

What’s the big deal? I mean I don’t enjoy the sight of a woman wearing a black mesh swimsuit that is 4 sizes too small for her so she looks like a ham more than anybody else. However, the last time I looked it was still a free county. Evelyn and I were at the gym recently and there was a man in the pool wearing a Speedo. He had made an unfortunate fashion choice for sure, but we did we survive? Of course. Besides if only the beautiful people were allowed at the beaches and the pools what would everybody have to talk about? “Did you see that water today?” Please. (You know you all do it). When I was 5 and in the pool at a motel a hirsuite guy popped up next to me with his back to me. I said “Monkey!” I wasn’t trying to be mean.  His back was so hairy I thought he was a monkey at first. That story has been told for 50+ years now.

Although I’ve never been to a nude beach or park I’ve seen documentaries about them. From what I can tell they are a lot less sexual than most beaches where the women walk around in thongs made from three pieces of dental floss braided together. When I was at Club Med almost 30 years ago it was “tops optional” on their beach. After the first quick “Did you see that?”, it was no big deal. There were kids at Club Med playing on the beach next to with women sans tops. (The kids didn’t even seem to notice). The only time my top has ever come off was when I was body surfing at that very resort and a freak wave dislodged by swimsuit top. I dropped beneath the water immediately and repositioned the girls so  they were covered. That was just my hangup though. Nobody there would’ve cared a whit.

Years ago when getting a dark tan was all the rage I’d undo my top while laying out by the pool so I wouldn’t have strap marks.  I laid out in the sun everyday and played spades all summer when I stayed in Austin to go to summer school. By the time I went home in late August I looked Hispanic I was so dark. These days though if you’re Anglo and you get a dark tan people just assume you’re ignorant. Besides with the economy the way it is, I can’t afford to buy the enormous amount of sunscreen I’d need to keep everything from turning bright red after a day of naked frolicking. That’s a good thing- trust me on that.

I’ve noticed over the years though that my aversion to getting dirty has grown. I’m not like a female version of Howard Hughes or anything but I’ve definitely changed. Of course it could be because I’m no longer that firm-skinned, shiny haired, carefree thing I used to be. I was definitely just wash and wear back then. There are just so many more steps to just getting myself ready these days.

Way back when my hair was so shiny it almost glowed. Now that I have “older” hair I must deep condition every time I shampoo. If I don’t my hair looks dull and lifeless, kinda like a cross between a witch’s wig and an afro. Before I exit the shower I have to go to town with the pumice stone too. When exactly did all these transformations take place? (I know I didn’t have Dumbo skin in my 20′s. )

I didn’t use any product on my skin until I hit 40. (That is something I now regret.) Now my bathroom counter looks like some mad scientist’s laboratory. I got serum bottles with droppers and creams with fillers and I can’t even remember what else. Do I moisturize, then fill, then lift, then minimize? Or is it moisturize, minimize, lift then fill? Wait, you can never forget the sunscreen. (Although how it ever reaches my skin through all the other layers I’ll never know.)

And the cherry on my sundae? Now I get to grab my glasses and tweezers and look in the magnifying mirror to see if I’ve magically become one of the members of ZZ top. If I forget to do that and find a hair when I’m out it makes me crazy. I’ve actually gone into Walgreen’s opened a pair of tweezers, plucked quickly then repackaged. I’m not proud of it, but I’ve done it in a pinch.

Last but not least I get to slather an array of lotions and potions all over myself- literally from the top of my head to the bottoms of my feet. You know what’s really sad? I never appreciated how easy I had it back when. I just took it for granted. Payback is Hell.